Burning down the candle....

Ok on the buss finally on my way home...12 hrs later....and to sleep for two maybe three hours before having to go back to work for another 12 hour shift...not good....and its not an easy shift...i have meetings all day and then a busy ass restaurant to run....and then Mondays r the only day my friends hang out so i have to try to stay up for that....wish this buss moved faster....

Are you where you r supposed to be...

I should be somewhere I am not....I might be on my way...or I might be going the wrong direction....I might just end up nowhere near where I should...how will i ever know...if i do what makes me happy I might just end up hating where I end up....or maybe I should do what i have to do but don't want to do and end up somewhere completely different and still hating where I am...FUCK...where is that super motivated smart girl who is an amazing chef and wants to open a spot with me and spend the rest of our lives together creating and loving...ahh who cares....the point is I have to go to work...late night shift...I hate my work, but I am hoping it gets me where I need to be...it is hard...it is killing me these fucked up 60 plus hour weeks.... cramming 600 covers a night into every shift...it takes a toll alright...especially since i kinda dont like the food or the atmosphere....

I should go now though, the later I get there the later I have to stay...6 months to go....i hope make it...I hope it's worth it...

Bliss....

Love is dream i have...makes me feel good to pretend...

Farts....anxiety... i am filled with both....that is sexy ain't it...i wonder exactly how repulsive i can get....u love me anyway right...despite my fuck ups...who is perfect anyway...i may have made lots of mistakes and wasted away years of my life...but who i was is not why u care about me...

Why r u here...why do u care...why does my heart belong to you...

I am broken...i am not exactly everything u thought i would be....i can drive u crazy and push u to ur limits...but still u love me...

I give as much as i demand...i depend on u more than u know cuz ur always there for me....and u need me more than u will ever admit...

Our hearts always speak to each other...our souls are bound....all that is left is for our minds to wrap around each others...to challenge each other...to learn from our differences...and for our bodys to touch, our eyes to connect as our lips meet...for our hands to explore and everything else to disappear as all that energy from our hearts or souls and our minds explode from your toes all through your body and out in screams of satisfaction...

XXOOXO

you dont get it...and probably never will...

Hello....So i have had fate taken from me tonight...there is no such thing as making your own path....destiny was made for me, fate took me to a possibility an opportunity and i tried to make it happen and I DID make it happen until cosmic whatever, God, took it away from me.....I have no doubt God is real....there is no way my life is what it is and things happen as they do without a God out there doing shit....I dont understand it...I pray almost everyday...not that it matters...I have been praying for shit to happen all my life and nothing...i have lived a very lonely and sad life...i have been miserable and in empty relationships most of my life...but it is not like I have a shity life...I am lucky for the things I do have...but i feel like a bird with clipped wings.. meant to fly but forced to walk...a fish who cant swim...a cheetah with no room to run....I was made to be in love and have found no one deserving of that love...and tonight i met two girls, both looked into my eyes and saw something....we laughed, we touched, and both stopped short...there is this moment...you are flirting with someone and you know if you go one touch more, one step closer, the end result is waking up naked next to each other in the morning...but they both saw more then a one night stand in me....the first girl i could have shrugged off...sure whatever, shit happens she and I connected but timing wasnt right....but then the second girl, the intense sexual chemistry and then the sudden stop...she knew where it was leading and I wasnt going to stop it....I could have woke up tomorrow morning with a new girlfriend...a new lost cause...a new dead end and broken heart...but God changed fate, my destiny must be somewhere else....am i supposed to be so miserable and alone and unhappy so that making the move to Paris does happen, and I dont get comfortable and distracted and stay in a wrong place longer than I should...I believe in God, and i wonder why i have to be so unhappy...and sometimes I think all i will get is 1 day of happiness before it all gets taken away from me and I die...I will be 60 or 70 or 80, lived a long fucked up life and then finally fall in real love, get married, have a child, see her face smile back at me, my wife my daughter my loves, and than die...that was it...i really dont know, i dont know what is going to happen, but i have this very strong feeling that forces beyond my control are keeping me from being happy here....so I am looking forward to it...to whatever I am supposed to do and wherever I am supposed to be....I believe that someday I will be happily in love...i just wish it ws tomorrow and not so far away...

I dont know what to do with myself...days off are always hard....the power is out in my hood....luckily it is on around the corner...i am getting naan n curry....i couldnt imagine living in a place where u dont have a variety of options...and the fresh produce and fish makes everything taste so much better here too....

I don't care....

I dont like it....being zombified....but i am there again...oblivious to you...u once had a hold of me and now that is lost....u were my image of beauty but now ur eyes r empty to me....ur smile would bring me to tears and ur touch warmed my soul, but now they are passionless....the fire has been out for months and the embers are nothing more than dust....ur sent no longer lingers in the air, instead i breath in salt and urine...
I don't like it...i don't want it....the idea that u could walk right past me and u wont care...but here i am...living without u...love.