u make me make sense....

I have to say 1 thing....
And it is amazing 1 thing I have to say...
I found out what it all means...
And this 1 thing says it all...
.....shit I forgot what it was....
If only u were here to remind me of what I was talkin about....or

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When u get dumped the best way to get over the girl is start hating things about her...like her nieveness, her youth, her europeon aragance, her stuborness, her....I just can't...I love those things about her....I can't think of shit to hate about her...not yet....maybe someday...right now I think I just need spotless mind shit to erase her....or (I love how she says or) or lots of booze to forget...then someone else will eventually outshine her and be all those things she was and more....

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I have nothing to say...my mind is tired...I seek comfort...a warm body to curl up with...I've been runnin around takin care of folks...another 8hrs of doing the job of 3 people and kickin ass...someday another poor girl will be cought in my web...hopefuly she won't get away this time...I miss havin someone who listened to me...

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its all perspective...like rose colored glasses...

ok..so to random reader...I am a giver at times, i can see what u need and give that to u whether that be a stiff push of tough love, or a warm hug...i am easy to please at times, and also very demanding at times...I am adventurous at times wanting to explore the world at any cost...I am stoic at times wasting away...I am in in charge at times leading the way...i also enjoy to sit in the back and let someone else make all the decisions...i am always peaceful except when my character is in question...I never stand out in a crowd, but I love to entertain people...

Everyone is always who they are except when they aren't...

its early...

Hello somebody...idk who reads this...probably just scanning to see if i talk about u...even though when i talk about others im really just talkin about myself still....

My clothes are wet from work...i just spent 8 hrs runnin around takin care of everyone...and now i want to go somewhere and be greeted with a warm smile of love and apreciation, be huged, take a nice hot shower or bath, have a night cap and talk about the evening, then make out and go to bed...

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everyone needs somebody...

The best relationship is one in which the things u like about each other overshadow the things u hate about each other to the point u love those things too...
I came accross a strange guy the other day...out in the club dressed in black ill fitted goth drab with a long pony tail to his but...dancing by himself...all by himself...he and I both left the club alone...I wondered how often he comes accross a women looking for his type...I imagine it rare and loenley..but u never know in this city...he probabably is a very popular and charming person...
But I thought to myself "I may be imposible to love but at least I get the opprotunities to fail at it"

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This is Real...

i put a lot of shit here...personal shit....

i have to release this...if i dont it will eat me up...
these are words she gave me
"But I know what I want. I want someone real. I want you."
and...

"So Eddie, don’t ever stop being you and don’t for a second think you are not doing anything special enough. You are and I love every single thing about you."

of coarse those words were not true...
does it all come down to a young girl who
doesnt know the difference from infatuation and Love...
was the age difference too great, the cultural difference too hard...
the long distance too impossible...
does it come down to that i am unlovable...
i dont have what women want...

truth be told, loving her would have been a very difficult task...
i am saving at least $10k not going there now...
so i dont have to bust my ass to earn that $..
and now i dont have to cram learn swedish...
and moving there would have been sooo fucking hard...
i had no idea what i was going to do for $ there..
and i hate cold weather, i was planning on moving there in the winter...
their or no jobs and no sun in the winter there...
but it would have been all worth it to be with her...

I was definitely falling in love with her more n more every day...
sure she is young, naive, and thinks she knows everything already...
but she is sooo fierce, i have no doubt in her abilities...
she has a personality i could spend the rest of my life with...
i know if we lived in the same city things would be different...
my charm doesnt translate well over the phone...
I even Love how stubborn she is about the breakup thing...
i know she wont give me another chance...
there is nothing i can say that will change her mind...
i love her for that...

but i guess those words she said to me...all those i love you soo much...
and i want all of you all the time, amount to nothing...

i totally was made a fool again...
i trusted Love, I had faith in it...
and in less then a weeks time it betrayed me...

i dont think i will ever fall in love again...

"Älska mig mest, när jag förtjänar det minst, ty då behöver jag det bäst"

Swedish for

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

She dumped me...

"I can fix this" - Spicoli

OK…it is obvious…I am a fucking basket case…I have fallen in Love with her…or is it that once I lost her I finally want her…so she loved me…and as I do, I did all that I could do to fuck it up…and it turns out I pushed all the right buttons and pulled all the right levers and did some irreversible tricks…and now I lost her love…she doesn’t look at me with those eyes…and now she doesn’t want to do anything for me…she is distancing herself from me and doubting if I deserve her…so I lost her…and now I want her back…and that maybe why I am in love with her now…cuz now I see all that she has done for me…

Point is I have fallen in love with her…and yet maybe its just that I lost her…what should I do…do I settle for her…settle for someone amazing…but someone that i cant figure out…I love who she is…I admire her and want everything she is and does…all except the shit from the last three weeks…but is it all my fault…is it real problems or me pushing buttons and pulling levers…

Ok so the point is why shouldn’t I marry her…I need her to be there for me to make a sacrifice for me, she treats me as a low priority in her life…but I believe when it really matters she would be there for me…should I be offended she doesn’t trust me and my words and experience, she treats me as if I am dumb, rolling her eyes at me and being curt and mean…but again she trusts me more than anyone else in her life...

When it comes down to it I pushed the buttons and pulled them levers and now she doesn’t look at me the same, she doesnt believe in me and in who she thought i was anymore…I got what my self hating miserable shit self does best…ok so now she sees me with all these flaws and fuckups…yah I fucked it up like I knew I would…

i will, if she would have me,,,

So I push and I kick and I prod and I push again....
And then I cry and I hurt and I need and I push again...
I find the right button to get the right reaction...
to destroy anything that makes me happy...

But this time she stood by me...
She has done what no other person could do...
she was like a pin cushion to all me needles...
my needles of self hate and misery...

for every reason i give her to dump me...
She gives me another reason to fall in love with her...