Ok sooo...i am depressed....

is depression a weakness...
is it pussy of me for needing to be heard...
is it lame of my for wanting to be needed...
i thought I was a nice guy but maybe I am a loser...
easily used and walked all over and forgotten...
you know how they say u cant be loved if u dont like ureself..
i kinda hate myself, especially lately...so i guess i am unlovabel...
i wish i smoked...i used to smoke as a way to slowly kill myself...
maybe i took some years off but i didnt finish the job...
i quit smoking cuz i thought someday things would get better...
i wanted to be around when they did...
i didnt want life to come and take everything i love away from me...
i dont want to die...
it would suck to try so many times and never get it right...
its also would be sickly satisfying to be 115yrs old,
alone, miserable, and a complete wast of a life,
laying in my death bed with no hope left,
to say at least i did one thing,
i have completely failed...
anyway, i feel like shit...
i should be happy...
bu i am broken...

If I keep walking forward will I hit the wall that is in front of me

If I come to a corner will that frying pan turning it hit me in the face

If I took advantage of my situation will It knock me over

My heart is chained and bared and it’s not getting out

I am misery….i am unlovable…I am failure

if only i could run on water...

I once reffered to love like learning how to run...as a baby u dont just stand up and go...first u roll around...then u crawl..and so forth...my first love was great but not perfect...and my last love was like i just stood up and took my first steps....and now with Anna i feel like i am walking, and it feels so natural...u dont need to think about how to walk it just happens u just do it...the next step is running...and i dont think that will be too hard to do with Anna...because the relationship is sooo fucking right and she is everything i ever dreamed about and soo much more and better and every step i take a feel like running, hard and fast....

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from sweden

Hah....battery low...no connection...and wandering eyes all prohibit an extractrion of exact clearity and cleaness...yet my heart has decfided on so many things my brain has not yet known...i do not belieave in soul mates or destiny and fate....i do believe in love...and how it becomes true...its not just about two souls coming together...its not being needed its...in her eyes...the look of love...its in her dimple...its the way her hair falls on her face...its how she feels in my arms...its the idea i have, we have, and happens without speaking,..its the touch on my back, the knowing she already is there for me before i know i will need her...its the way she laughs and the tears she cant release...its the panic in her voice and the calmness in our embrace...

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big guy in a little jacket

Not likeing long distance today...not that i ever like it...went shoping...found some long coats n trenches labeled as small...ha...i looked like a little kid swimming in his fathers jacket....not really fealing good about myself now....and decided no more shopping for me...not till i get to sweden and will have someones shoulder to cry on when everything i try on fits me like a giant bag....this suffering will not last long....i wont let it.

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time just passes i guess

Loser...or loner...or shifting friends, again...or just dont really belong here...n i wonder if maybe i should jump the shark...i have nothing to lose but time n money...and my supply of both could run out...i have a pipe dream...and its going up in smoke...nearly hashed...

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status change

So today i asked her to be my "girlfriend" today...i never liked that word....but i cant come up with a better way to label the relationship....truth is i still am a little uneasy about it....this is the first time i wanted to label a relationship and commit publicly i was no longer available for just in case somthing better comes along...not to say i eventually felt that way about my loves...but this is different...i am not trying to go all the way but happy to take the small step and be her "boyfriend"....i am stressed and happy

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we won...and we r the prize

Ok...i had a kick ass day...that girl fliped my world....i took two huge steps...i could have wished for an awesome day and my wish would have been lamer then what she gave me...i have spent hours wondering what it would be like to have everything...how would it be to get what i want....but even better i wasnt wanting or dreamin about sitting in a cloud of heaven...and yet there i was...living out what i thought was an imposible fantasy...it feels wierd to get what u like without asking for it and feelibg guilty for getting it...she is supper fucking badass

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faith in failure...

Ok...so i let myself go...i fall...she has what it takes to win my heart....and then what.....i find myself giving everything to her...goins thousands of miles to be next to her...choosing life with her...and then she realizes all she has compramised...all she has accepted as little unimportant things....then one day the dam will break...and she will cry...and my heart will die...i am unloveable

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the best things r those dificult to attain...

Ok...only buzzed...but very lacking in verbal ditractions...and all my thoughts r of her...i feel like i spend my day counting down the minutes until we talk again...i dont like that...i dont like being out with friends and not sharing this with her...i will not let this go on long...my heart has changed...what was so open and free has become synicle and distrusting....and i fear i can never fall in love again...and as she breaks down my walls and cures my aches...i find myself falling more n more everyday...i realize she is not only different but maybe real...i have little faith...but i think she has what it takes to win...my heart is no longer easy to have and it has always been hard to keep...but now it takes a winner to get it and a champion to keep it...and i think she is up for the chalenge...

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