its not easy being green....almost forgot i was green for a minute....or am i blue?

So I am watchin southpark, farting, and checking out cookie monster videos on youtube...Sesame street turns forty today...i have nothing to write today....its nice to know things...to know what you dont want leads you to what you do want....i wonder what its like for those people that keep changin their minds....wanting this today and that tomorrow, how will you ever be happy...and on a side note i was reminded recently of why i love san francisco and am sooo fucking happy i dont live in sacramento anymore....it's really awesome to live in a city of learned, open minded, progressive people unafraid of growth and change...a culture of individuality even though its very group orientated here but thats because we are our family....this is a tough city to survive in but very well worth it....anyway, i've been busy lately....MUNT, my band, is tuns of fucking fun and soon to be in a club near you....and ideas are abound for my future....tomorrow is another day of work, fun, work, and play.....its nice to be single and not looking....concentrating on the advancement of myself.....i do wish things could be different but i am realizing how truly special the woman i next spend my time with has to be......i dont know....i found peace within myself, trying to have the courage to do whats right despite what feels good, and am drinking lots of coffee for that drive to accomplish my goals....i stopped being who i am when all those things changed....now i am trying to get back to who i was....tryin to avoid being a zombie....trying to be something better...

trying to understand my life....

9 In order to know what is changin or not changin you have to know what things were like before - Before the butterfly, love was a feeling i didn't fully know I didn't explore it, enjoy it, was not familiar with it, I wasn't ready for it - There is a huge difference between knowing true love and everything else - and if you dont get that then you don't understand anything i feel - and i didnt understand or know these feelings before either - I did once feel an intense true connection years ago - and as a result i felt heartbreak that changed my life - and every relationship since faced the consequence of that heartbreak - as time went by and all the women i've met none of them made me feel like i did with her - I changed, my heart broken and cold, my soul passionless, my mind hungry for affection - i became like a zombie aimlessly wondering for affection of any kind - i had forgotten what love felt like and decided it was youthful exaggeration of old fond memories - i doubted my memories of how i felt - but then things changed again for me - i looked into someones eyes and my heart got awakened then it was warmed and thawed and stolen by a chrysalis - i received these beautiful emails and cards full of wonderful words, passion, and love...i felt cared for and thought of and my passion came back and my mind became focused, the way she looked at me brought back all those memories of true love except even better - she cured me of my zombie way of life trying anything out exploring any possibility - i was no longer a zombie --- but i no longer am like the person i was becoming then either --- that chrysalis is now a butterfly --- but did i return to the zombie i became the first time my heart was broken -

just to be clear...always misunderstood...

So I was going to delete this whole “blog” is you can even call it that…the last year its been my outlet for my heartache…and now as I move on past that part of my life I was thinking I should just wipe it all clean…I mean those ideas I laid down are no longer me or how I feel….but as I reread some of it and knowing that parts are particular to events in my life that are no longer current…those ideas are still me…this blog despite being written when I was depressed is still how i feel and am….the only difference now is that I don’t have that great need to express those feelings out into the world….so I am leaving them up, with this disclaimer…the posts for the past year or so are slightly personal , self involved ,and single minded, I have no idea the impression they leave, but they are ME, one part of me but one I will not hide….hopefully the future posts I can express those other parts…but then again the post before this says more of the same and I doubt things will change….

i need a new drug....

Well here is a new one….absolutely nothing has changed but everything is different….this blog is old and tired….i want to start all over but am to bogged down with tones of shit I need to do…to take this thing as it is…a look into my expressions of love….you see when I write and post things here its cuz I find nowhere else to release the overflow inside me…and the hardest thing to find a safe place to let go of is love….so it ends up here….there is more to me…there is more in my life….but I tell my friends about those things…besides, for some reason I find talking about my life goings on in a blog to be way to personal….but expressing my desire for love and my heartaches and such…well that’s all out in the open here…because here no one looks…well at least no one tells me they look….and its like, I get to release it then it gets to be gone and I get to move on….so since no one is listening anymore….

wookin pa nub...

Sorry I have been gone for so long…heartache is a bitch…I wrote a song about it ”heart ache” here it goes…”FUCK YOU FAT BITCH!” ….I hate heart ache…that bitch that heart ache is takes so much out of my life…but now months over the relationshipS…tired of all my exes…I find myself in love again…so fucking in love…its like my body knows it’s supposed to be happening again…the cycle has turned ,and now it’s time to care about somebody …to be doing things for someone, giving, caring, living…only thing is I haven’t met that someone just yet…October is a crazy month for me…Halloween tends to bring the freaks to me…but it’s always about Lust…staring deep into each others eyes and not giving a shit about the rest...too bad the rest always finds its way into our lives…to keep this entry short and sweet I must say one last thing…to whomever you are…my Love, I might not be ready yet, nor you…but I cherish your smile, and the way you look into my eyes…your support and caring….all those things you bring to my life, all that gives me reason to do, to touch, to feel, to fill my passions in life…I have no faith or hope we will ever meet…but I will always love you.

something is better than nothing but nothing beets the real thing...

There is nothing here I have to say….no words here I have to write…no sentences left for me to put together…I am empty….more so I am at an end….I am traveling in the dark no wind on my face but its cold as shit…it feels like all things are at zero…I have tones of energy burning in my pocket…and a passion for things waiting to fuel the fire…and there I am a kid in a blind fold with a donkey tail in my hand but I hear nothing…I am on an island in the middle of nowhere, and so I built a bridge, but it doesn’t connect to me…arms out stretched reaching for anything to grab onto to lead me my way, but I lost trust and hope, I have no faith that I am not just walking in circles, that I will find that jack ass or pin that fucking tail…but I refuse to stand still…I trip I fall I stumble and hurt myself over and over again, but I have to keep going…my heart has a huge hole in it, its been beaten and abused and I wear it on my sleeve, I put it out there like a glass slipper, and its my soul that rides around slipper in hand searching peoples eyes like doors to their souls…my mind is tired, tired of caring what you think, tired of riding around in the dark…tired of all the talk and disappointment…so there it is, in this place again…

here is to tomorrow

So Saturday night sucked…I ended up at some shity bar in the richmond and then I locked myself out of my house…and no one was home…I had my work keys and thinking eventually one of my roommates would get home soon I went to my work to be warm take a piss and wait…the cleaning crew was there all night long blasting some shity ass music and gossiping all night…so im sitting out there in the lounge trying to sleep and waiting for someone to call me back and I got nothing until noon the next day…it fucking sucked…so eventually I get in my bed and try to sleep...lord of the rings was on and so was star wars…so I was going back and forth napping here and there all evening until I get a buzz to head out to the bar…so I am hoping to have a good night to make up for last night and on the way there I get kicked in the gut…not literally but that’s what it felt like…so I am at the bar and I cant shake it…I hate how I cant control my emotions sometimes…I am in love with a girl who doesn’t want me…and my friends are making me talk about it and that just makes it all worse…I appreciate the support but I need distractions…the best thing for me is to try to fill my life with other things, other thoughts…so the night sucked…I am sober…my heart hurts…I am hungry but have no fucking appetite…i just want to crawl in bed and cuddle…but instead I will probably be up all night writing, thinking, fighting the urge to text everyone…I am sorry friends for that…you are filling a void for me…one of the things I miss most…talking so much she had to change phone plans…maybe that’s why I keep blogging…so much to say and no one up to say it to…I got to go…

more about myself...

So I feel antagonized and prodded…I was wasted when I wrote my last three blogs…and no I don’t remember writing them…but I recognize exactly why and how I felt when I wrote them…i mean its our song isn't it, i was asked to listen to them...so i did and wrote as i did...I have the night off tonight…my first Saturday off in months…i hope I don’t do anything stupid….
So when I am single I tend to delve deep into myself and try to concentrate on becoming a well rounded person and understand why I do things…last time I was single I got into enneagrams…found out I am a giving, adventurous, romantic…but these days I have been more into psyche stuff…I wonder where my life would have been if I had the support around me that I needed when I was growing up…because I really like psychology and philosophy and anthropology…so I read up on these things and maybe the fact that all but one of my exes is or should be on mood enhancers and or antidepressants may encourage my interest in it too…so I know a bit about depression…and now I am getting into attachment disorders… I think its because of my caring and encouraging nature coupled with my dependence on someone to feel good that I attract woman with trouble here…I tend to become that missing parent they needed to support them and give them the things they need to grow up…problem for me is that because I am IN love with them I expect a different kind of relationship…they all told me they loved me but in the end they loved me for what I do for them and not for who I am…I think that is why me and my exes still talk…the same reason you still talk to your folks that where there for you…even though you grew up there are times when you still need someone to support you…and they all know I am always there for them…and I don’t think its just my exes but a lot of my female friends that I have had over the years treat me similarly...i am always making female friends…i understand why...

and so this kinda gets back to my main goal in life…why I do everything I do...where my happy place is…why i attract these woman and why they think they love me...and why these relationships fall apart....everyone has there different needs of support, independence, help, nurturing, and so forth...i know that i have to be able to take care of my girl...that is the person i am...but there is a balance to know my girl can take care of me when i need her...i think i keep finding girls who are not able to be there for me...and the relationship is so unbalanced...i hate the game of it all, the idea that fucking me is all i need to be happy...by just saying your my girlfriend makes it so...all is forgiven and forgotten...a complete lack of respect and understanding of my feelings...everyone of my exes have treated me that way...so i guess its something i am not doing right...i think this all takes more thought and introspection...

so anyway I have the night off…I am going to watch the sharks game at a bar and then go out dancing…I am happy and I hope it’s a fun night…

blogging a lot these days

So I don’t remember writing my last two blogs…I am drunk and probably wont remember writing this one…So I know my exes read my blog….and so I censor the things I put up here cuz I don’t want them to think just cuz I miss love means I miss them….but they know more than anybody what we had is over….but the thing is that we have affected each other in deep ways…and I love that…you cant grow without suffering…and we all did in our own way…part to me and part to you part to someone else…but not all…i met this girl who is exactly like one of my exes and it trips me out…I look at her and I feel like I know now that I am in such a different place then I was when I was love lost for her…I am glad to make that new friendship it feels good….i am still in contact with some of my exes and I still love them all…I want so much for them to find themselves to live their lives and do well…but its always hard for me to let go…I feel like a farther that wont let his little girl grow up…its sad but true…and so I have this ex that is completely lost and I keep going back trying to give her anything I can do to help her accomplish what i know she wants to do but cant find the way and at the same time I am trying not to lead her on…and I have my friends telling me its not my responsibility to help her, and she doesn’t want my help…the point is that I put up in my blogs the loss of love I feel the passion of life I have and the want for me from what I had…and I do this cuz I know you all feel the same fucking way at one point in your life…you all have broken a heart here and there…it sucks but it has to be done sometimes…and there it is heartbreak and guilt…but I don’t hide it cuz it might make someone feel bad…I take ownership for my actions…here it is and I am no longer holding back…yes I hurt you yes you hurt me…truth is I fucked over my ex I used her I played her and the I did it again…and I feel bad about it…and I am always trying to make good on my fuck up…but I don’t blame her for not talking to me…I miss her…but if I see her again and look into her eyes all I would want to do is kiss her…even though its not from the heart…because my heart is not connected to her anymore…it is affected by her and grown because of her but it is no longer hers to have…being in love with someone who is not IN love with you sucks…its happened to me a few times…I’ve done it…it most likely happened to you…but the possibility for mutual love is real…its not guaranteed but it not impossible either…I own this blog…it is about Bridget…it is about Lynn…it is about Kelly…it is about April…it is about Tracy…its about Luci..its about Chey..it about George...its about Jessie...its about Mitch...ts about Josh...its about EV...its about Eric, Maria. Jason, Dave...its about all those fuckers who tell me there heartbreak stories and thier quest for finding love...i take from you all and write it...and its all about myself…same as all the rest…but you already know i dont play...RIGHT

this is my sing

its 7 am and all i want is not love...the fact is the last hing i want is love....all i want is to be....i am living a world turning the days around...as if and there it is..i have fun when i am doing the things that i like doing and so do you...so there i am a person doing the things i like to do and wondering why i am not doing them with someone who likes doing the things i like to do....that is the hard part...its like i dont like you but i like everything about you....and there you are...there i am....she sees me as a cool dude but there is no love...just cuz it ll makes sense doesnt mean it all is real...i dont care anymore...i am worth doing something for so do something