Sing along with me...

...so here i am...i imagine what it is like to be a homeless person standing outside a burger shack watching the people eat when i am so fuckin starving...i am tired of people telling me how great of a guy i am and how much i fucking deserve...i surround myself with good people we all deserve happiness...we all are searching for a rock to stand on...air to breath...but then there you are not taking the steps you know you should take....i know where i want to be in life and its so fucking hard to get there because i wont do what it takes to be there....i want so much and yet i cant get myself to do it....and i ask god why....why do i suffer...and it all points to me...i want someone to just know what i need...to have it and want to give it to me...i feel like a misused tool...a screwdriver being used as a hammer...sure i can do the job but thats not what i am meant for...i am happy for my friends....they keep me going...but this is my city...this is my home....i am not traveling through trying to find myself....so kill me now...i have nowhere else to go....and yet with every message sent to lust i know i am nothing....my ow my i cant stop....but the ribbons have lost their sent...and all i have to hold onto is rejection....and the realization that the last person texted was...well it aint me....but not everything is as it seems....like the song says..your so vain you think this song is about you....well maybe the blog is about you...maybe its not...but when i look i see what could have been despite what was...its whatever you like...and now how you felt yesterday is not how you feel today...things change...love fades....and i am tired of being used for sex...i am tired of one night stands and misplaced affections....so whatever dont stop....i am not trying to cage you up...i am not a keeper...and when i call and dont get an answer trust holds me true....cuz sometimes i need to walk my own way...and so i act like a jackass...no one gets the reason why i do the things i do....and my eyes stare into space...wondering...remembering that moment...its more than then fire in my blood...its like lightning through my soul...its chaos...but to hear those words form you...to think you are ready to say those words and i am ready to hear them....its sweet...a thing of dreams...but this is not real....its old and faded...and taken over by mindless bohunks and fat phobes....your songs say so much to me....but i cant keep listening to them....its like forgiveness is easy forgetting is foolish...cuz feeling sorry for what you did does not change anything...i do believe in rehabilitation but also in punishment...i want to atone for my mistakes to offer up a reason why me fuckups should be forgotten to pay the price...i just wish i knew how and to who....i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...my life is always missing that one word...IN...the game is over and i am no longer playing...

CONGRATS TO REAL LOVE

I am very comfortable in my own skin....i know what i am doing and i know what i need to do to get where i want to be...but i keep running into brick walls...the wave beneath me keeps crashing out from under me....something inside me drives me to want to help people...to promote growth and love and happiness...i keep finding people who need something in their lives and i keep trying to fulfill those needs...there is no back motive in it for me but when i do these things i feel like there is this pay-it-forward effect going on...its nice to help people but eventually they wont want my help anymore...and i feel emptied...sometimes a feel frustrated cuz i couldnt help enough...but in the end i overstay my welcome...and the frustration, the rejection, the lose, all leave me trying to hold on to a lost cause...but eventually i find myself comfortable and content in all things me...i am never really looking for anything... i have no real plans...where exactly I end up in life is undetermined…because I feel so much of that depends on you…everyone changes and as every life experience changes you and me…then your decisions change…anything is possible if you let it happen…So I am on my way to wish a friend happy birthday and bon voyage…and I couldn’t be more happy for her…for living her life and making things happen…and to the true love her and her man have found and will celebrate tonight....

Stupid insomnia

I have found that I like dark stories…my favorite kind of movies are dark….i hate Hollywood endings…I understand why they exist but I hate it….like the end of closer where Alice doesn’t die…it ruins the whole movie or the end of stranger then fiction…i just don’t like it…life doesn’t work out all the time….everyone wants to think people get what they deserve….there is no fact to that…sure there is nothing attractive about the way I feel these days…but I don’t care…its nearly five in the morning…what do I care about anything at this time…my mind feels like a slice of warm pie without the ice cream…I went out the other night with the exact intent to find a quite place to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink enough beer to be able to pass out later…that’s all I wanted to do…unfortunately some old dude was intent on sucking my dick and would not leave me alone…so I let him buy me some drinks as he told me of how he just got dropped from an 8 year relationship and hasn’t had the desire for sex in years…and as he told me all I could think was how little I cared but at least I didn’t have to think about the homophobic short out of shape womanizer my replacement is...but I have to laugh cuz she is already flirting with someone else behind his back…its always greener on the other side I guess…but none of that has anything to do with me anymore...and just then he asks me if I thought the bartender was wearing a toupee…I sad no way it just looks weird...who wears those…apparently the bartender does and the old dude went on about how unattractive the fat hairy beast is…I felt better….sure we were two heart broken sad single dumped schmucks but at least we weren’t prancing around in a hair piece or looked like a fatter hairy Britney Spears on a binge with absolutely nothing remotely attractive about us, as he put it….so I let him buy me one last shot before going my own way…to end up at another bar feeling good enough to shoot a smile to the mission chic in her tight jeans dark hair and faded brand new guns and roses shirt…of coarse all I got back was a cold wince…I forget I don’t have the right uniform for the role of love interest in her life…tattoos, deconstructed professionally styled hair, spacers in my ears, and dingy looking dark clothes…I hate uniforms…so with my soul back in check its last call…my pack nearly empty and my body saturated with enough booze to pass out I go home…so I didn’t get exactly what I wanted out of the night but things ended up fine just the same…hmmm is that a happy ending…whatever

Still dont get it...

I avoided looking into her eyes…afraid to see something…I didn’t want a relationship…I didn’t want to get hurt again…I was having such a good time and she was leaving in the morning…I didn’t want to be love sick over a girl I would probably never see again…but there we were…and all is took was an instant….I saw something I had never seen in someone’s eyes before…something I fear I will never see again…

There is a different feeling you get when Love is real….Its more than butterflies and warm feeling when you see them…It’s more then personality chemistry…its more then common interests and views on life and mental compatibility….its more than physical attraction and sexual satisfaction…All those things put together mean nothing…A best friend at best….because Love comes from your soul, from the spirit inside you….Love is deeper than a feeling and emotions…It’s not just endorphins and hormones…it’s nothing you can imagine or know until you feel the real thing…until you look into someone’s eyes and deep inside your souls jump out of your bodies, they kiss, and dance and hug and entangle your spirits together intertwined in a connection deep and undeniable that nothing, Absolutely NOTHING else matters….

I had that…I lost it…I don’t want to say anything cruel…she didnt see in my eyes what i saw...and now the last thing I want is her back in my life…But when I see her my soul weeps uncontrollably….when I think about her my heart screams in pain…It is all I can do to keep her out of my head…she creeps into my thoughts and my guts cringe…She wont leave me alone…so I fill myself with any kind of distraction…I try to meet other people…ive met some smart beautiful girlz….some funny and kind women…hot women with their shit together and their eyes on me…and as she stares into my eyes losing herself in my soul I look deep into her eyes past the beauty past the kind heart, deep into her soul…and I realize I just made another friend…so what do you do…I am over the girl just not the feelings...but when i think about the first time my heart was broken when i was 19 that still hurts today...i dont think you ever lose that...

i bring this all up because i am constantly finding myself defending myself...trying to get people to understand why i act the way i do and do the things i do...the way i felt was different with my ex and with my first love...if you cant understand that you cant understand why moving forward doesnt involve losing the pain...this hurt i will carry with me forever...you never forget the first time your heart is broken and you never forget the ones that touch your soul...but everything i write or do isn't about them...the feelings i had may have been towards them but they are MY feelings...and now I am dealing with them...its just that to understand where one is going you have to know where one has been...like i say in my previous post...there is no such thing as destiny or fate, because you make choices all the time changing what could happen...its up to you to go after what you want and hope its what the universe wants too...right now i think god has a different idea for me...the universe wants me for other things...so just like i say in my next post....well you read it...

This is my secret...

So here it is…there are several threads I am drowning in…there is this whole thing about, “it will be ok” bullshit…I lost all my faith in that…I don’t care about destiny, “meant to be”, fate, karma….there are no guaranties in life…just because you are a good person doesn’t mean good shit will happen to you…fact is nothing is connected….i have no faith in the butterfly affect…a tree goes down in who cares where has no affect on my life….the things that are happening to me now have no baring on the things that will happen to me tomorrow…sure if that one thing didn’t happen I wouldn’t have known another….but none of that has any affect on what happens tomorrow…fact is the amount of pain one endures does not equal the amount of joy received…there is heat break and love everywhere…I just don’t believe everything happened to you for a reason…but that doesn’t change that those things happened…they are a part of you and what make you who you are….but tomorrow you can do anything you want despite those things if you make it happen…is it all about the whole adage…live life while you can to the fullest because this is the only one you got so live for today and plan for tomorrow, type bullshit…its stupid because fact is you cant count on anything…but you can do what you like to do you can try to be happy and get the things you want...if you want something but don’t ask for it you wont get it, if you don’t do something to get it, it wont just come to you…as long as what you want doesn’t involve what others want…unfortunately everything involves the wants and desires of another person and you cant control what other people want, its unpredictable and unreliable…so you cant get something by just wanting it…and sometimes you might do everything right to get it and still it wont happen for you, life is not fair and sometimes makes no fucking sense…so instead of being so upset over disappointing people and situations…I am going to concentrate on myself…the one thing I can control…to put myself in the right shape to be ready for the unpredictable…

SF....home to love-sucking vampires....

So I am dating again…dating in this city sucks…its so fucking easy to meet people here, but its so fucking hard to find something real…I am fucking picky I admit that…I will see and talk to so many people in one night and maybe one night here and there I will make out with someone but I always feel like the girl at the end of the night… thinking to myself will this hottie call me back n the morning or was I just another notch in her bed post...there is a reason why this city has the highest percentage of single women in the country...the girls here are what they are, I don’t know why, too many hot gay guys or too many unattached people lost from home, whatever…I am not about it…and I just like to say I hate how I lost control of my body last night…I bet lots of people did things they didn’t expect they would do last night...and today as I walked through the kitchen at work thinking about how extreme the emotions I felt when I saw my ex walk in last night...just in time to see a cell phone being passed around the kitchen with a picture of a half naked girl on it...i know i am better then that...I felt like the lives of so many people could have changed last night by one thing just being different…I don’t know where I belong…I feel like a salmon going down stream when the rest are going up…I am a nice guy…I am an asshole too…I am boring…I am fun…I am skinny…I am fucking strong…I am who I am….i am wandering around this town like a blind slug searching for a shell to call home…I am clutching my phone wondering where I went wrong, when does it all feel right…I had it in my hand last night…it felt good at the time…now it feels like heartless lovesucking vampires eating my life away…

it the same thing just different...

I finally got a new job...its what i have been trying to get since forever...my career is on its way...only thing is its not perfect...but what ever is...i am working at 222 hyde now...running the show, at least trying to...its hard to get the owners to do what they need to do...but hopefully it will all work out...and maybe a year or so from now i will bust out with my own place...things are changing for me...i feel like a fish released from a hook...a year ago i thought i had it all, the girl the career, the friends, but things didnt work out...i know swore i found the perfect girl for me but people change...thats life i guess...its hard to know what is the right thing to do the right path to take, where in this world you belong...and now i couldnt be more sure of the oppisite...things are making a bit more sense now...funny thing is when i got mecca i kinda felt the same way about my life as i do now...but now i feel like everything is better...my standards are always getting higher...and i tend to find out life does get better...then it gets worse...then it gets good again...i just have to remember not to let that chance pass me by...the other night i missed one...but hopefully it wont be the last chance i get...i am excited about 222 hyde though...and now i work at a place where all my friends can visit...so get yo asses out there and say hi...2 dollar PBRs you cant hate on that...

to be wanted..lusted over...loved

i dont think i ask for all that much...i think its what everyone wants....i know who i am as a person...i am still growing and learning...but the core person inside me...i know who that is...i know that i will leave a party to help a friend in need...and i would leave a friend to chase love...there have been moments in my life when i went against my instincts...i was proud of myself...because the truth is...i chase love so fucking much...i am always looking for it...i realized a few years back that i was born to be half of something...but people are like puzzle pieces and not just any two can fit together...i thought i had found the perfect piece for me...but i have come to realize there is something to what everyone has said..but my instincts dont agree...its like janet said, what have you done for me lately...i am that way though...i have never been about words but actions...say you love me till your blue in the face i dont care, go out of your way to show me you love me and i will remember that forever...it goes like that for any relationship...everyone knows that friend that fucks you over constantly, ditches you at parties or always flakes or is always so drunk your night is ruined cuz you have to babysit...most of us have grown up and cut those people from our lives...but there is still that friend that despite acting like an ass you still forgive, and not because they said sorry, they all say sorry, but cuz they did something to show you they care about you...people are allowed to make mistakes we all fuck up from time to time but forgiveness comes with atonement...and so i babble off my point i started with again....which was my heart...i went to the whiz to get a new one...found out i had one the whole time...it has a hole it in though...and there are so many of us out there looking for that puzzle piece to help us make sense of life...it was all so much easier when all i wanted was a "just for now" "no strings attached" relationship, i could go down stairs to the bar and in no time find a hot fling...now that i want more that seems all so unsatisfying...but i guess its all about living, moving forward, and just know that someday that hot little number in sexy shoes and a stylish outfit will bump into me somewhere and show me how she feels...it will happen for me and it will happen for you..thats what everyone keeps telling me anyway...

Off to see the Whiz....

I Feel like a character in the whiz and I am off to get a new heart…see this one has been ruined…the one I have attracts those in need instead of those who want to give…and so I am off on a road trip…and I hope I come back with a new heart…one that will be loved not because of how it makes you feel not because of what It does for you but because someone cares and loves it truly…a new heart is what I seek…A new way to look at this life…this crazy spot I am in…this room that’s unlivable, this ocean that’s unsurfable…this burger I crave that’s unavailable…I don’t want that burger anymore…there has got to be better one out there…there has got to be another room around here somewhere….there has got to be another beach to surf at….i am not craving, obsessing or looking for one thing….but if I happen to stop by somewhere and see something I like…I have to go for it….and if I don’t see anything then that’s ok too…as long as I am moving forward…no more yo-yo shit…I can do better and will do better…and with my new heart i hope I can find something that likes to give as much as receive…if I can get a new heart…the Whiz lives in Atlanta don’t he?

"There is no truth there is only perception" Gustave Flaubert

That room doesn’t look so good anymore…I am against this brick wall…but as I stand up to face it…I realize I am the brick wall…and it has disappeared…but I don’t like what I see in front of me…I see the inside of this room and its full of vises…even if I enter it there is so much to do…I don’t see happiness is a luxury I will have in my life anytime soon…I see storms coming…I see lots of bad habits…I am out in the vast ocean alone, out in search of the perfect wave…and the conditions are bad…the sun is high but I know someday it will set…I have nothing to hold onto no truth no safety no guarantee…even faith doesn’t tell me things will be anything other than sufferable…I have no other choice but to accept the world as it is…accept the room is a mess, accept the ocean is angry…accept and know I have no power to change those things…I can only control myself…and it is not my responsibility to fix the world…I see so much to do…and I know it will take a long time to do it all…my life is this room…my life is this ocean...every wipeout, every cluttered corner, every struggle is my life…my life I have no control over…but as it is the one I am living it is myself that will live it…as it is now and as it will be tomorrow or next year…my responsibility is to myself…to be the best I can be and live this life as it comes…maybe someday the ocean will calm, the room will be cleaned and happiness will fall over me…but for now this is the way things are…so I accept it…I choose to surf this ocean…I choose to enter this room…Most importantly, I choose to stop moping about it and just live it…at least I will try…