Off to see the Whiz....

I Feel like a character in the whiz and I am off to get a new heart…see this one has been ruined…the one I have attracts those in need instead of those who want to give…and so I am off on a road trip…and I hope I come back with a new heart…one that will be loved not because of how it makes you feel not because of what It does for you but because someone cares and loves it truly…a new heart is what I seek…A new way to look at this life…this crazy spot I am in…this room that’s unlivable, this ocean that’s unsurfable…this burger I crave that’s unavailable…I don’t want that burger anymore…there has got to be better one out there…there has got to be another room around here somewhere….there has got to be another beach to surf at….i am not craving, obsessing or looking for one thing….but if I happen to stop by somewhere and see something I like…I have to go for it….and if I don’t see anything then that’s ok too…as long as I am moving forward…no more yo-yo shit…I can do better and will do better…and with my new heart i hope I can find something that likes to give as much as receive…if I can get a new heart…the Whiz lives in Atlanta don’t he?

"There is no truth there is only perception" Gustave Flaubert

That room doesn’t look so good anymore…I am against this brick wall…but as I stand up to face it…I realize I am the brick wall…and it has disappeared…but I don’t like what I see in front of me…I see the inside of this room and its full of vises…even if I enter it there is so much to do…I don’t see happiness is a luxury I will have in my life anytime soon…I see storms coming…I see lots of bad habits…I am out in the vast ocean alone, out in search of the perfect wave…and the conditions are bad…the sun is high but I know someday it will set…I have nothing to hold onto no truth no safety no guarantee…even faith doesn’t tell me things will be anything other than sufferable…I have no other choice but to accept the world as it is…accept the room is a mess, accept the ocean is angry…accept and know I have no power to change those things…I can only control myself…and it is not my responsibility to fix the world…I see so much to do…and I know it will take a long time to do it all…my life is this room…my life is this ocean...every wipeout, every cluttered corner, every struggle is my life…my life I have no control over…but as it is the one I am living it is myself that will live it…as it is now and as it will be tomorrow or next year…my responsibility is to myself…to be the best I can be and live this life as it comes…maybe someday the ocean will calm, the room will be cleaned and happiness will fall over me…but for now this is the way things are…so I accept it…I choose to surf this ocean…I choose to enter this room…Most importantly, I choose to stop moping about it and just live it…at least I will try…

AGAINST A WALL

I am, I am hitting my head against a brick wall...there is this room I am trying to get into…but there is no door…I cant find it…everything inside me tells me I am supposed to be in that room….everyone around me is trying to get me to go another direction….and now I, I cant even…I am lost so fucking lost so fucking hurt so fucking confused so fucking annoyed so fucking misused so fucking hated so fucking empty so fucking angry so fucking tired so fucking much and I keep hitting my head against that fucking brick wall…I have spent my life, every action of it…when I breath I think of it….its in all I do…and I have spent my life wondering how is the impossible going to happen…given up, waiting to die, lost all hope, and with a flash begins a burn…and the wind puts out the flame…but the coals smolder and heat and the fire grows within…and is stocked…it rises from an ash and then the rain comes, and with it the cold and pain…I feel beaten and battered and betrayed….i can not trust life anymore…I have lost faith in all that can be…every step I take I take with fear….i am a helper carrying those around me…but my legs are tired and my feet cant find sure footing to depend on…I lay myself against that brick wall my hands pressed flat against the rough bricks and mortar my palms feeling for the warmth beyond it…my ear to the wall listening, my check scratching against it…my tears running down my face dripping on the wall…I imagine the room….i imagine it like a long warm true honest hug, that idea is so foreign to me…so far off…like a hug you only see in movies…they don’t really exist, do they? I could lay here against this wall and die…out in the cold darkness alone and uncared for…I can try again to get into that room…I could bang my head once more against that wall….i could walk away from it…I could fall asleep here and dream of being rescued, of finding my way into that room, of feeling that hug….maybe if I pick a different spot to bang into…maybe there is a different way to get in…another lock to pick a door to open sometime in the future…I wish I had hope…something to grasp onto…some truth….i lean against the wall my back pressed against it as I slide down crouching, gently tapping the wall with the back of my head my elbows knocking at the bricks….i don’t want to give up on this spot I don’t want to move I can sense the room from here…in a couple days maybe I will stand up face this wall and do something…I just don’t know what yet…

drifting, taking it as it comes...

So I am out here in the ocean…just took a nasty wipe out…I am trying to catch the perfect wave…I found a break that feels like it could develop into something fucking amazing…but the conditions are not good right now…and the ocean is a little crowded with other surfers trying to catch my wave…I’ve learned not to be angry at them not to resent the ocean for allowing these other surfers to ride my waves…I don’t like the crowd but I understand why they are here and sympathize with them when the wave falls apart and crashes over them as it does to me…but I have my eye on this particular break point….and I am waiting for it to develop, I can see another asshole surfer eye my spot, wanting to snake it from me…as I drift out in the ocean waiting for the wave…I am hurt and angry but realizing I have no control over the ocean…I can see the ocean play the same game with him as it played with me…I am tempted to go for another spot…I can see other break points that are beautiful all over this ocean…the other night I saw an amazing one being surfed, it was respect and love and wanting and caring and desire and knowing and all those things that matter…I saw that someone else can feel like I dream…reciprocate instead of reject…rejoice instead of remorse…it was a nice wave, and gave me hope, but also makes me wonder about where I am in this ocean…should I paddle away from this spot to find that…I am waiting but is this really where I must be…

Sarah Palin..the real Mrs. Broflovski

I just caught the last part of Sarah Palins speech at the Republican NC….it got me angry…I hate liars…I hate people who manipulate words to hide the truth…

The first thing I heard her say..

“america needs more energy, our opponent is against it”

whatever…google both candidates stance on energy…they both have similar plans on energy…the only difference is the words used…except for one point…the debate over outer-shelf drilling…environmentalists aside…even if there would be no impact on the environment…according to everyone “conversion of those resources to production would require both time and money. In addition, the average field size in the Pacific and Atlantic regions tends to be smaller than the average in the Gulf of Mexico, implying that a significant portion of the additional resource would not be economically attractive to develop at the reference case prices.” Quoted form the U.S. energy information administration (http://www.eia.doe.gov/oiaf/aeo/otheranalysis/ongr.html)

oil is like everything else its cheaper when its made in a third world country…we already have acres of land oil companies could drill on…they just don’t cuz it costs too much…so if we force them to drill it still wouldn’t bring down prices….besides oil companies are about making money and economies work on supply and demand…if we demand less then the price goes down…if there is a lot of something the price goes down too…and if the price goes so far down that it costs more to make then to sell…then those companies will fold, disappear and new ones creating new energy sources will take their place to gouge us at our billfolds…

fact is drilling is a point the republicans are using to gain your vote, but again they are lying to you about it…

just like they did with iraq…using our fear of terrorism to illicit a response….and in doing so they are fueling the terrorists by increasing the fear they cause…Sarah gave power to the terrorists with her speech…and she proclaimed her stance against human rights denying due process…

she and the republicans always want smaller government…but why does the deficit keep rising under republicans…why does the budget keep increasing…meaning larger government…what are they really talking about…

well what is government:

21% social security…that’s not going away

9% interest…bush has done nothing but raise that

21% defense…don’t they want more of that?

21% medicare and medicade…this is our public health insurance…its mandatory and cant change…

11% other mandatory spending for things like welfare and unemployment and disability…socialist ideas that work…and cant change in the budget

so that leaves 16% for things like: Transportation, federal highways and bridges, support for Amtrak, funds to help states with other roads, bridges, railroads, airports and so on. And things like the FDA, FBI, and the DEA…anything you can think of that starts with “department of” is government, like the department of justice, the department of homeland security, the department of education…these things all bring you the infrastructure to be an American…

so republicans want to take these things away…and reduce taxes…

we’ve had 8 years of that thinking and I don’t know about you but I don’t see the mass amount of jobs these new lower taxes have brought…in fact I know many people who have lost their jobs…and do you know how many people the government employs…if they lost their jobs too where would they go…to take yours…to not spend their money that they don’t have at your work…yah it trickled down alright…broke ass trickled all the way down to the bum who gets less spare change on the street corner and now has to get a job…oh wait there arnt any…

and then she says raising taxes will hurt small businesses…but wait isn’t the SBA (Small business administration) another piece of large government…wont getting rid of that hurt them more than raising taxes on large businesses and the rich…oh yah that’s who is going to get taxed, not middle America…but that wouldn’t be fair would it…not as fair as tax right offs for billionaire airlines or oil companies who refuse to drill unless the gov picks up the costs…isn’t that large government too…

republicans love to twist the facts around…bunch of compulsive liars hiding their motives for their own greed…

And how does she presume to talk about experience when she has been governor for months…McCane being so fucking old could very well pass while in term and then we would have some PTA nag, blame throwing, close minded, power abusing, righteous Shiela Broflovski type bitch as president…do we really want that…nothing against women I don’t mind having a woman as president…but someone who can do the job with integrity and dignity and experience…She has none and I don’t like her…

killing time before work

I took this test before...i put it here on my blogg somewhere but i cant find it...i wonder how much i have changed...i took the enneagram test again too..i am still a huge 2...and still fallowed closely by 4/7/9...so my personality may fluctuate a little but i am still the same person i was a couple years ago...a giving, artistic, adventurous, schmuck....who according to these results i am also messy,unassertive,bizarre, does not make friends easily, unsympathetic at times, submissive, weird, sarcastic, and strange...no wonder i cant get a girl to stick it out with me...honestly i dont thinks these numbers are all that accurate...but who knows...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 38% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Orderliness |||| 18% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||| 14% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism || 10% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Humanitarian |||||||||||||| 56% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||| 16% Cautiousness || 10% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Peter pan complex |||| 16% Family drive |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic |||||| 23% Paranoia |||| 16% Vanity |||| 16% Honor |||||||||||||||| 70% Thriftiness |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
secretive, reclusive, messy, disorganized, introverted, unassertive, rarely worries, dislikes large parties, does not like to fit in, does not need to control others, solitary, ambivalent about chaos, tough, leisurely, does not respect authority, not aggressive, observer, abstract, impractical, dislikes leadership, daydreamer, bizarre, does not make friends easily, not a perfectionist, suspicious, rarely irritated, strong physical instincts, unsympathetic at times, risk taker, submissive, weird, sarcastic, strange

its a realization....the game is over

its funny how things work...the thing that made me feel the happiest i have ever felt in my life now makes we feel the worst i ever felt in my life....

i suffered from major depression most of my childhood...i have one memory of the 4th grade and its not a good one...it wasn't until i was 23 i think until i got a grip of it and snapped out of my major depression...but i still suffer from bouts of it here and there...and i was told i have a constant low level depression i cant get rid of...i think thats the main cause of my insomnia, my low energy levels, why i am so negative and unhappy, why i am an asshole sometimes and say mean things and push people away....

its been almost ten years of me dealing with this low level depression...Dysthymia is what its called....over the years i have learned how to deal with it...and sometimes i fall into severe depression still....when i suffer from major depression i have learned how to conquer it and recognize my behavior to make those periods of depression shorter...but the disthymia is always with me...its hard to think of life without feeling this way now...

well i think my recent bout with major depression is ending...i know what i need to do and i feel the energy to do those things come back...and its all because i am getting a grip on this love shit...so i have to see her at work and it sucked not being able to love her, and it sucked even more knowing she is flirting with the sous chef...but that hurt is now all but gone...truth is after talking to him i found out he is an asshole and a liar and really short...if thats the kind of guy she wants then so be it...

really the point of this was to say i am making stride to get out of my depression and am ready to live life again...so bring it on

god help me draw that curtain back and begin anew...

I feel like a tool for the universe...as if my life is not in my control...i have no choice in where my life leads...in the end i find myself in the exact same place...no matter how hard i try to escape it...the truth keeps finding me...

i want to break free...i want to live a different life...why am i your mirror...why am i your crutch...why do i have to be the asshole, the pusher, the catalyst in your life...for you and for you and for you i live...but who lives for me...who will be there when i need them to be...when do i get what i want.....when do i get to use and be forgiven, without remorse...oh do i...do i really...


i am not without fault, not without greed, not without lust, jealousy, vanity....i am a man who desires to be so much....i live a life i truly am greatful to have....but i feel like i have all the water in the world and i am thirsty as a mother fucker, but i have no cup to drink that water out of...

i am going now...to see the freak show they call pink slip...alone amongst friends i will be...smoking to hide the pain....drinking to kill the time...waiting for the second act to begin in this play i call my life...i await behind the curtain, anticipating its drawing...wondering whos face will i see first...who will be the lead in the next chapter of my life...someone new, someone old, someone recent...maybe this is a lone chapter in my life...if it is i hope its a short chapter...

there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…

Am I a love martyr…are you cold…am I lost…why cant you love me back…am I not enough…do I cause you pain…am I not all you ever wanted…(i am not) I tried to give you everything you ever wanted…I woke you up from your slumber…showed you all you can be….all you can be is all I hope for you…do you not see me in all you are…I gave you the space and you filled it with another…I took it back when that space was still empty and yet you want another…my heart my soul lives in that space you keep pushing me out of…you keep pulling me into…you keep replacing me and I am still there…you hold me close…like a hug in a glass case you pull to when you cant find it in you…I am here when you need me…you discard me like a tired old song when you’ve heard it to many times over again…but when your new song doesn’t hit as hard, you play me again…you come back and tell me I am your jam…should I give up…should I move on as everyone tells me to...as you told me to do tonight…I feel like shit…I feel like shit when I am with you…I feel like shit on shit when I am away from you…those who don’t know love tell me love doesn’t treat me like this….maybe I don’t know love…99 friends told me I deserve better…I want to hear from the hundredth maybe she knows better…remember how you felt…what you do to me…ohh what you do to me…or is it what you wish you could have had…and I didn’t do…couldn’t do…a better idea from far but up close seems too real…am I a love martyr…I hope you get what you want…I hope you like what your getting…there are 99 ways to live life I a am living the hundredth…

the consequence of passionate love...

There is a thing about love stories…chick flicks if you will…most guys just don’t get them…when we sit around and talk rarely do you here us talk about love…it is unusual to here a guy tell another to stick with a chick when things get crazy in a relationship…often you here a guy say something like “girls are all crazy” or “you just got to be mean to them and tell them how it is. they like that, turns them on” and “I know what your talking about I had a girl like that, shit happens, relationships suck, its hard when you break up but you’ll get over it” …fact is I don’t have many married friends out here in the city…none of these guys know how I feel…and my gay friends have no clue about how woman are…I was the same way…not the mean part but I believed maybe marriage happened when you “settle” you quit “sowing the oats” and find a girl hot and cool enough to end “the game” with…shit maybe I am too nice and trusting…maybe I am not mean enough to keep a girl...but I have the passion of true real love…I watched love movies and wondered how does a person act like that its so unrealistic to think someone would do those things to be so passionate…to forgive so quickly to extend such compassion to do the things guys do in movies that make no sense…they are movies and seem so unrealistic the actions men take because of movie love…they are what they are…and now I know that kind of love…I watch those movies and I get it…I understand why a man would go through those kind if lengths for a woman…the sacrifices the choices the caring…I understand the motivations it takes to do those things…I feel that kind of love…I am willing to do those things…never have I known a love like what I feel now…and yet I have been betrayed by my love…I have been lied to…I have been used…I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me…and in the last few months that love has hurt me…and I wonder why I love her so much…why do I continue letting her treat me so…in love movies I wonder which guy I am…am I the one that leads her to her real love…am I the one she is supposed to end up with…is she the one to lead me to my real love…is she my end or my beginning…this is not a movie…real life is so mush more grey…and it takes so mush longer than two hours to wrap up…but I understand that kind of love…now I feel like I have given all the chances I can give…and its time for someone to chase me…someone to tell me they love me and cant live without me…I am the one hurt by love waiting for my love to decide on me…to do that something special to convince me our love is true…to find me and hug me…my dreams betray me…my desires cloud my judgment…but its my passion for love that keeps me alive…my passion for true love that I live and wait for…and my passion is fueled by my love…there is only one woman who can satisfy this passion…and yet its crushed by her…she broke her promise to me…and now that passion is…its…confused…hurt...dyeing…waiting…asking for a true a hug…real passionate love in return…