Height street fair...Days ago...

A few weeks pass the height street fair occurred...since I have the time I went and checked it out...as street fairs go, this one has a good reputation for being fun...until the neighborhood gentrification finally took the last drop of fun out of it...meaning it was now alcohol free...so the bars along the street where slammed...and the crowd was a little less rambunctious...just means more stoned peeps and less drunkenness...anyway...the weather was warm, and i walked up and down a bit before hanging out at the first stage...the djs were ok but overall it was just a nice day out...

This is some street dancers earning some extra cash...

Hey Tinkle, I found my passion...

I had a fucking crazy panic attack earlier tonight…I’ve had them before…but I knew why I was having one…I knew why I was over stressed or had high anxiety…but in the last two weeks I’ve had them nearly nightly…most of them not full-blown…but tonight’s was the worst…complete full-blown all out going crazy cant control myself panic attack…and I wasn’t thinking about anything…it just came all of the sudden… I guess I’m stressing about shit more then I think…But mostly I think its cuz I have no release for my emotions…Bartending is very healthy for me…I get my social stimulus going…the constant flirting and ups and downs of every cocktail and the gratification of a job well done when your patrons leave happy and your pockets full…and I also haven’t played music in months…Music is the main way I get out all my stress…I need to go into a room play my guitar as hard and fast as I can and scream out my soul…without music I think I will die…and these panic attacks are signs that I cant survive without these things…I think they might be more important to me than love…

This is a groundbreaking new realization for me…I’ve always said that I can’t be happy until I’m cuddled around my wife and my two daughters…that being a father and husband is the definition of happiness for me…but now I know I need more then my girls to be happy…I have to have music and bartending or a job that is interactive like bartending…This is huge for me because in past relationships I would have a panic attack and thought that it was because my girlfriend couldn’t fill the void in my heart…I thought I was having a panic attack cuz i was love sick…but i havn't had love in a fucking long time…that usually causes panic attacks but it wasn't untill I stoped working and playing music that I started to feel realy shity...I am realizing that I need more than love to survive…

Love is no longer my only passion…Music and Entertaining folks are my passions…and as such my stress relief…and in all reality this doesn’t mean shit other than now I can be more honest with myself about what I need when shit gets bad…cuz even without love if I got Music and am Making Poeple happy...than I'm happy...

cuz Stress will always be a part of life…I will always have money problems, love sickness, insomnia, work stress, crowded grocery stores, social droughts, rejections, disappointing sports teams, bad haircuts, and shit just not going right…but now I know what makes me happy...dancing on bars and rocking out ;)

and LOVE {>

so what bitch

This weekend is Pride and it kinda marks and anniversary of sorts...It's been one year now living with my roommates...even though Eric moved in mid July...it still feels like this party will be a culmination of the happenings of the past year in all our lives...

When I moved in i was a relationship prone, career finding, sexually undefined, wide eyed young'n in my twenties reacquainting myself with the city...having moved back a couple months earlier from Sac and at that point still going back nearly weekly...Moving in here I began creating a new life and social group... getting to know a new part of the city...intellectually in transition...in my year here I turned thirty...i quit office work again to go back to my passion bartending...I've been able to stay single and have a few hot flings here and there...and now I know without hesitation that I like girls and only girls....I've learned a lot about myself..and now I have a new view of life and people and friends....and it will all show at this years party where instead of getting drunk and dancing in a dress on the balcony out of boredom...I will be getting drunk socializing and dancing on the balcony in who knows what out of fun...

The changes in my roommates will also be apparent in the guest list at the party too...which is growing past 40 so far....this party will be fierce...

It's all you hear anyway...blahditty...blah...

I wonder if my life would have a musical montage what song would it be to and what would I be doing…these days I would imagine its Dido’s - life for rent or maybe The Plugz – Mindless contentment…and the montage would be scenes of me sitting on the couch in different positions occasionally flipping the channel on the tv as I stair out the window or browse pointless websites….It has been very definitively proven to me that my life is very empty without work…and this makes me crazy…it’s like I am my rents even though I may not take my job home with me I am still very attached to it…

After the fire I still went to work and helped out here and there…but now I don’t go…so I kinda weaned myself into what I am doing now witch is absofuckinglutely nothing….it was nice at first, having nothing to do…kinda like a summer break…but I am going fucking crazy now…I am even having thoughts of going back to sac to visit…Shudder…

The thing about this time off is that it’s not planned…so I don’t have funds saved up to travel anywhere or do shit…for fuck sake…I owe bitches like crazy so going out is just guilt ridden and sucks…so I stay in chill’n watching tv…But this has got to end…So today, against my better judgment, I am going to hang out with an ex who is off her meds crazy…and I know I’ll just get drunk and say something stupid to her and its going to be a nightmare…but I cant stay home…so fuck it…
I wonder what the montage for next week will be…maybe to Prince’s lets go crazy or Black Flags Annihilate this week…or maybe some other sad tired played out song I don’t care to listen to anymore….anyway…what’s the point of this blogg again?

Mecca on fire...

It was about 9:30 on Sunday and the night was winding down at Mecca...about four tables finishing up their dinners and a couple Sunday regular late nighters in for their nightcap drinks...when I noticed a foggy haze start to develop in the restaurant...it was like the fog was rolling in except it was coming from the kitchen...so I walk over to see what the deal is and notice everyone is looking at our brick wood oven over flowing with smoke...nothing to unordinary...the smoke should subside as the wood burns down a bit...but then it didn't and suddenly the safety sprinklers in the kitchen activate and the kitchen staff evacuate the kitchen...in case you've never been to Mecca we have an open kitchen visible from the dinning room...where we could see the fryer react to the sprinkler watter and watch the hot oil begin to boil over onto the floor...at that point we new this was not good...

The cooks went back to grab their knives and I went back to the bar to make sure my guys were ok...hoping the wood fire would burn down and the smoke would subside...but the smoke quickly thickened and it was apparent it was time to leave....so Ginny, our new A.GM began to go around to the tables and ask that we all exit politely...and I look up and see flames coming out of a vent above a table and look over at a bunch of drunks sitting at their table arguing with Ginny as she is politely trying to get them to leave...finally we all exit and before I'm out the door, last as usual, the fire department is already there hoses in hand...

Everyone was fine and the fire itself was not major at all...but the water damage was extensive to the carpets and upholstery...so Mecca is taking this opportunity to use the insurance money and remodel a little...so they will be closed for a month or so they say...as for my job and everyone else...we are getting paid our average hourly wage while they are closed...which for me and the rest of the FOH staff covers our cable bills...hopefully they will give us something extra to stay with the company...I am taking this opportunity to find another job and make some extra cash 'till Mecca reopens...

So for now I have some free time...lets see what I do with it...

Ciao...

Where have I been...

In the middle of March I lost my phone...and with that I lost connection to a lot of peeps...I drifted away from life and ambitions to be social...I went to work than went out afterwords stayed in town and had no worries about the outside world....Things just went along in my little isolated neighborhood...without any outside bullshit...I FUCKING LOVED IT...So I spent the last couple months just drifting about being a San Franciscan...and I dont remember any of it but it all kicked ass...so suckit biatches...

DONT BULLSHIT A BULLSHITER...

The weather is fucking amazing and perfect the last couple days...makes you think we might have another hot summer this year...this month is the 12th month in my apartment in the heart of the Castro...a year here and I still love it...usually by now I'm think'n of where I am going to live next and casually checking out new apartments...I sometimes think the next step for my life is to get a place on my own...passably in the loin where its cheep...but for right now things are chill...I'm not yet up to buying furniture and settling in yet...

Mr.Sandman take me away,,,

Ir's 6:30 am and I've been staring at the damn pigeon outside my window for a couple hours now waiting for my eyes to get heavy and fall asleep...but instead i keep thinking random stupid thoughts like...whats the average lifespan of a pigeon...and who the hell is fucking singing out in the street at five in the morning...and if I were a pigeon where would i live...I wonder how cool would it be to go out on dates at like 3am...that would be fucking awesome to know someone who is down to do shit in the middle of the night...start things off wit drinks and dinner like normal people but at 3am instead...too bad this city sucks when it comes down to a 24 hour lifestyle...this city definitely sleeps....unfortunately I cant right now...

A nice start to a fun night...

The other night Maria, Eric and I went out to Cha Cha Cha in the mission for dinner and sangria...

too much shit to do...and nothing but time to do it with...

So baseball season starts today....i cant wait to sit in the park drink some beers and bullshit while a game goes on...it's a dynomite way to spend a day....there are a shit load of other shit I want to do...like check out some bitchen concerts...i already got my manu choa tickets...also coming are Regina Spektor, the shins, rocky voyolato, iggy pop, greyboy allstars, morrissey, Damien Rice, Flogging Molly, Prince, Bjork, the police, erasure and friends...and more

I also have to make a trip down to San Diego soon...it's time to relive some 'round the world moments and try not to get arrested in TJ this time...

I also need to take a Napa trip too...nothing better than wine tasting, mud baths, and hot spring watter tubs...

There is something really thrilling about ice skating on hot days...its like telling mother nature to fuck off i'm wearing warm clothes and skating on a sheet of frozen watter cuz I CAN bitch...

My roommate Eric has a kite and with the windy summers here in SF i cant wait to fly that thing some drunkin night on our roof...

and of course there's the street fairs...Folsom street fair, Gay Pride, Carnival, Height street fair, all very fun despite the citys crack down on fun...we still manage and I can't wait...

a couple of other things I want to do that i've never done is go check out some races...we in the bay are lucky to have some really good tracks near by...so I want to go bet on some horses at the track..and I also want to watch some really fast cars go in a circle at infinion race way..and there's also the street race in san jose which sounds kinda cool...all this keeping in mind the twelve pack of cold beer consumed at these events ;)...

this is a good time for the arts as well...with tons of would be professionals graduating from the the multitude of art schools in the area...we get a bunch of final exhibitions and art shows to go and check out, support our friends and friends of friends...I really love these events...

I could go on with all the shit I want to do...but we all know I'll probably just end up walking down to deloris park and waste my days away people watching...