I cannot live with you....

by Emily Dickinson

I cannot live with you,
It would be life,
And life is over there
Behind the shelf
The sexton keeps the key to,
Putting up
Our life, his porcelain,
Like a cup
Discarded of the housewife,
Quaint or broken;
A newer Sevres pleases,
Old ones crack.
I could not die with you,
For one must wait
To shut the other's gaze down,
You could not.
And I, could I stand by
And see you freeze,
Without my right of frost,
Death's privilege?
Nor could I rise with you,
Because your face
Would put out Jesus',
That new grace
Glow plain and foreign
On my homesick eye,
Except that you, than he
Shone closer by.
They'd judge us-how?
For you served Heaven, you know,
Or sought to;
I could not,
Because you saturated sight,
And I had no more eyes
For sordid excellence
As Paradise.
And were you lost, I would be,
Though my name
Rang loudest
On the heavenly fame.
And were you saved,
And I condemned to be
Where you were not,
That self were hell to me.
So we must keep apart,
You there, I here,
With just the door ajar
That oceans are,
And prayer,
And that pale sustenance,
Despair!

Hey...stop denying the inevitable...

So i was thinking about you...all of you...who i have raised, taught, been there for always, supported, and always have a smile and hug for you....how do we keep finding each other...now in my old age the father figure role i suit fits better.....  :)
Anyway...i wanted to tell u a story...lots of stories...my days off have been very eventful....really awesome dinners in and out....very long days that end at dawn....
But how do i....how do i engage you in conversation...through pictures and vague sentences ....
Thursday was no exception....although i did go into work....but it was easy and fun....and then dinner with old friends....and out like flinn in a cab to the next dinner with newer friends....and the jokes and games and food and wine and shots....i cant describe it here...the essence would be lost....and then as i woke up....crashed out with three close friends spending the.morning together hung over....

It was good to spend the next day in bed recovering....watched movies...stayed warm....but my love...whoever u r....i missed u so much....we havnt met yet...but we will find each other.

These words you should never see...

I dont seem to understand what you mean by that...i assumed u could do anything....even know what to do when I act stupid....but how would you know....and then you made your choice....but u never did leave....always looking back....stumbling on your feet as you keep moving away....yes i am here, always....but what does that mean...what do you mean....what r we doing....love is impossible...lust is not going to happen....all we have is mutual friendship...are we even palls....i have no time to give....i cant go a day...and neither can u....what does that mean....i was sad...i wish u found whatever it is u r looking for...i wish i do too...but this....i dont know...my dreams keep telling me something...but what...you need to stop...you have to listen...life is not exactly what you think it is...perfection never happens...but I found everything once...and then i changed my mind...and found it again somewhere else...i lost it though....where did it go?

I like pink....

How do you do....

Today was ok....i am getting my energy back...my cough is finally going away....life is so much easier when ur not sick...i hope i did well today....meetings all day tomorrow...always nervous about being called out on something i am doing wrong or forgot to do....used to that anxiety from how i was raised...i am always surprised when people dont criticize me or put my work down...it is not what i am used to...

You wont believe where and how i found my keys....

There is no place like home...if u can find it....

My stomach is in knots....my lungs are sore....my head hurts...i got shit sleep last night....and i am late for work cuz i couldn't find my work keys....late and taking a cab so it is costing me....i really am confused about my keys...
And this cab is taking a long way to work....not a good saturday so far....
i had good fun though on my nights off....dinner with good friends...
Ugh....i cant wait for vacation....

So this stupid place is next to USF so it is packed with 20yr old kids...it is amazing how shallow they are...i see three guys standing together two tall goofy looking ones and one short dude who looks pissed off...and why shouldnt he be...here comes another drunk girl who totally ignores him yet drewls all over the personality douche bags.....so sad....young girls r dumb...

Ohhh...n btw...it is not u...it is who u represent...because u actually suck.

Seriously love the food here...the chefs in this city r the best in the world ...the scenery is amazing ....the weather year round is perfect ...always something to do some place to go....but the people need an american overhaul... they dont get it...and i am over it....there is no place as good as the people u r with...i love my people but the ones around me...the others in this town are shit....

I fucked up...i am more than that....i miss you....i love you....

melted cheese is just like tones of butter...

so I take it you got laid...it was satisfying...and naturally your head is in the clouds now...good for you...I am on the opposite end of the spectrum...i met up with an old fling i used to hook up with days ago...FWB if you will...and she was very forward tonight...but I just didnt care...now I am happy to be home....watching Sophies choice....polish girls.....so hot..........so when African babys and chinese baby's get adopted by white families and grow up around all anglos where they are the only ones that look as they do and all they see is white people...then you look in the mirror and feel all the prejudices their culture taught them and they see an uncivilized person...and then realize it is themselves they are staring at...........i have a feeling i am emotionally not going to....well...this movie is going to make me very sad.......the best of friends.....

free beer...

I know it is a stupid tv show...but my heart just dropped...a little scene and an idea....a baby crying and then her father picks up a guitar and sings her a song....she stares at him smiles and then falls asleep...WTF....I have dreams...that's all they are, dreams.

I could be ur best asset...a wise friend who cares....or a gentle simpleton....it's all perspective....but u wouldnt know how to tell the difference...

Shity....i had a moment....but it is gone now.....youth is definitely wasted on the young....it is crazy how quickly your body slows down....even though i am in better shape....my energy level is no way near what it was even a few years ago....i am fighting illness but still....
What makes it ironic is that i have way more dedication and wisdom to do what's right but tooo tired to get it done.....as before i would just put everything off for more fun things to do....or wast all my energy doing it wrong.
I have had a fun life....and i am glad i chose to live life over work.and career...but now i just wish i had the same energy that i used to because having fun is easy....working 70hours a week and trying to have a social life is hard.
It was a very weird moment today....those sirens wont snag me again though....i have to stay focused.

Good luck....to us all...

So it happened again...i met someone we flirted....things were on their way...then she held my hand.....my heart stopped.....my soul shrunk away....my future flashes in front of me....and it dosnt look good....another wrong relationship....more wasted time on someone that wasn't right....i pulled my hand away....but still we talked....and connected....and our hands met again...and i knew it was wrong....in the past i would have seen where it went....given her a chance.....but now i am more different than i have ever been....i have changed in a big way.....
my love does not live here....i do not belong here....not now....i have to leave.....i cant be with someone right now....my heart belongs to someone very special....and i have no time to waste on anyone else....my love is hers, i dont know her...yet....but i must not settle anymore....i will not go where the wind takes me....my heart has a place to be....i must get it there.....

The buss keeps going every day....

Being sick sucks....at least it isn't bad...only one day stuck in bed....now it's just a nagging cough....very annoying....
I am getting the hang of work though, things are getting done faster and better...so my days are getting shorter...maybe i will soon have time for the tones of things i have been delaying....
I cant get too ahead of myself though....i only have time for 6 hours sleep before having to get back to work....but i am hoping to have some extra time Wednesday...
Funny how packed the buss is...all these people going to work....i am going home to sleep...but i do love it this way...i used to hate that i was different....dreamed of a place people are like me....but now i just accept it...there still is hope in spain or france...but i am not holding my breath....
Almost home....

whats lov got to do with it...

day off blues...started off with a fresh new rejection...I tried OKC thinking maybe there i would find at least a new friend or adventure....but so far, nothing...it is cold today....48 degrees...

It would be awesome to soak in a hot tub with candles and champagne, massaging your feet, or u laying against my chest my arms wrapped around you, kissing the nape of your neck, spending the evening talking, soaking, being warm, and all that fallows...

ohhh how nice it would be....listening to the rain cuddled up in bed watching classic movies and eating candy....

the definition is changing...the picture is blank...who you are is the whole picture...and I have no idea what that looks like...

And yet i am on ur mind....still.

Last day of six in a row....70hr week....surf parties are finely over...things are mellowing....turned in my cocktail list yesterday....that is always fun....i sketched out a maple n bacon flavored tini....should be a hit....
I hope today goes fast...my cold is not going away...at least it isn't bad...

time is all we have...every minute without you is wasted....

What is the point...I like to sit here and release my demons onto this thing...complain about all that is shity....and then move on in my life...so here is more shit I dont want fucking up my day....I feel like I am getting sick....my throat is closing up, I have a tickle in the back there I cant get rid of and I am coughing more and more....and my head has a slight pounding nausea effect going on right now....and my body feels soar...so sickness is approaching...if i can just ignore it until my day off it will be all good...sorta...other than that work is keeping my busy...I have to go soon....i hope I get done early, midnight maybe home by 130 sleep by 230 that will get me a good nights sleep before going to work tomorrow at 10am....6 day work week this week...but fri an sat off...that is strange...what will i do...I have been trying to get dates...but very unsuccessfully...I think I lost all my appeal...something has changed....it used to be much easier...meet a girl flirt a bit then everything just kinda happens....but lately everything just kinda falls apart...last friday was the worst night of my life....it really couldnt be worse for me as far as my relation with women goes...and since then other girls i was flirting with have cooled on me, the sparks didnt turn to flames and in fact just went away...

what is different about me? Do i still love sweden, i dont think so, it has been way too long...and I have had no contact with her, I think about her but I have no hope in that situation, it is a fond distant memory like a two week long "Before Sunset". So i hope deep down that is not pushing women away from me...maybe I am getting too old now...but the women i talk to are close to my age...

I am trying to live without love...but affection would be nice in the mean time...my heart is broken damaged and shattered to the core, my soul is beaten down and bruised quivering in a dark corner, and my mind is consumed with work....life has taken its toll on me, I cant change the past, I wasnt given the emotional support most successful happy people have had to be confident in themselves, they have an emotional place to goto when the shit gets hard and all u want to do is rest....I have to make it on my own, I have to push down the emotional criticism and rejection I am used to getting all my life...being loved and cared for is for other people...i have good friends sure, but none that truly know me or will be around for years to come...There is nothing I can change about my past, my hard wiring is dark and lonely...which is why i thirst for love and dont trust it...which is why i am hard to love and push it away...which is why i have to not care about it anymore, i have to learn to live without love...i was depressed all my childhood, i turned 23 or 24 had a revelation and realized love is all I needed, that someday i would meet a woman who would love me for who i am, and we would start a family and i would raise two beautiful girls, giving them all the love and support i never got...but now that dream is gone...i dont have that to hold onto anymore...

I have to go to work...that is all I have...a great job, lots of money, and a career i am great at...three things i couldnt care less about.

Only superman can do that...

Trust me....i made it all up....today is going to be over soon....and no mater what u did...tomorrow is going to happen....people will have moved on...there is no point...just do what u think should happen....wait...u already do that....that is why i loved u most....it is the timid that annoy me....u never get what u dont ask for....i like to pretend....u r still here...u r still looking....u r still caring....u r invisible....but i see u....i feel u....i will someday know u....

Another decision that didn't mater...

So i decided paying for a cab would be worth the extra 10 minutes of sleep....so i call one and wait...ten minutes go by and nothing...i call another...10 more minutes go by and finally i am able to flag one down....but now i am paying for a cab when i could have taken the buss and gotten there at the same time...shity....

But I did enjoy my extra 10 minutes of sleep....even though i am still late.

Burning down the candle....

Ok on the buss finally on my way home...12 hrs later....and to sleep for two maybe three hours before having to go back to work for another 12 hour shift...not good....and its not an easy shift...i have meetings all day and then a busy ass restaurant to run....and then Mondays r the only day my friends hang out so i have to try to stay up for that....wish this buss moved faster....

Are you where you r supposed to be...

I should be somewhere I am not....I might be on my way...or I might be going the wrong direction....I might just end up nowhere near where I should...how will i ever know...if i do what makes me happy I might just end up hating where I end up....or maybe I should do what i have to do but don't want to do and end up somewhere completely different and still hating where I am...FUCK...where is that super motivated smart girl who is an amazing chef and wants to open a spot with me and spend the rest of our lives together creating and loving...ahh who cares....the point is I have to go to work...late night shift...I hate my work, but I am hoping it gets me where I need to be...it is hard...it is killing me these fucked up 60 plus hour weeks.... cramming 600 covers a night into every shift...it takes a toll alright...especially since i kinda dont like the food or the atmosphere....

I should go now though, the later I get there the later I have to stay...6 months to go....i hope make it...I hope it's worth it...

Bliss....

Love is dream i have...makes me feel good to pretend...

Farts....anxiety... i am filled with both....that is sexy ain't it...i wonder exactly how repulsive i can get....u love me anyway right...despite my fuck ups...who is perfect anyway...i may have made lots of mistakes and wasted away years of my life...but who i was is not why u care about me...

Why r u here...why do u care...why does my heart belong to you...

I am broken...i am not exactly everything u thought i would be....i can drive u crazy and push u to ur limits...but still u love me...

I give as much as i demand...i depend on u more than u know cuz ur always there for me....and u need me more than u will ever admit...

Our hearts always speak to each other...our souls are bound....all that is left is for our minds to wrap around each others...to challenge each other...to learn from our differences...and for our bodys to touch, our eyes to connect as our lips meet...for our hands to explore and everything else to disappear as all that energy from our hearts or souls and our minds explode from your toes all through your body and out in screams of satisfaction...

XXOOXO

you dont get it...and probably never will...

Hello....So i have had fate taken from me tonight...there is no such thing as making your own path....destiny was made for me, fate took me to a possibility an opportunity and i tried to make it happen and I DID make it happen until cosmic whatever, God, took it away from me.....I have no doubt God is real....there is no way my life is what it is and things happen as they do without a God out there doing shit....I dont understand it...I pray almost everyday...not that it matters...I have been praying for shit to happen all my life and nothing...i have lived a very lonely and sad life...i have been miserable and in empty relationships most of my life...but it is not like I have a shity life...I am lucky for the things I do have...but i feel like a bird with clipped wings.. meant to fly but forced to walk...a fish who cant swim...a cheetah with no room to run....I was made to be in love and have found no one deserving of that love...and tonight i met two girls, both looked into my eyes and saw something....we laughed, we touched, and both stopped short...there is this moment...you are flirting with someone and you know if you go one touch more, one step closer, the end result is waking up naked next to each other in the morning...but they both saw more then a one night stand in me....the first girl i could have shrugged off...sure whatever, shit happens she and I connected but timing wasnt right....but then the second girl, the intense sexual chemistry and then the sudden stop...she knew where it was leading and I wasnt going to stop it....I could have woke up tomorrow morning with a new girlfriend...a new lost cause...a new dead end and broken heart...but God changed fate, my destiny must be somewhere else....am i supposed to be so miserable and alone and unhappy so that making the move to Paris does happen, and I dont get comfortable and distracted and stay in a wrong place longer than I should...I believe in God, and i wonder why i have to be so unhappy...and sometimes I think all i will get is 1 day of happiness before it all gets taken away from me and I die...I will be 60 or 70 or 80, lived a long fucked up life and then finally fall in real love, get married, have a child, see her face smile back at me, my wife my daughter my loves, and than die...that was it...i really dont know, i dont know what is going to happen, but i have this very strong feeling that forces beyond my control are keeping me from being happy here....so I am looking forward to it...to whatever I am supposed to do and wherever I am supposed to be....I believe that someday I will be happily in love...i just wish it ws tomorrow and not so far away...

I dont know what to do with myself...days off are always hard....the power is out in my hood....luckily it is on around the corner...i am getting naan n curry....i couldnt imagine living in a place where u dont have a variety of options...and the fresh produce and fish makes everything taste so much better here too....

I don't care....

I dont like it....being zombified....but i am there again...oblivious to you...u once had a hold of me and now that is lost....u were my image of beauty but now ur eyes r empty to me....ur smile would bring me to tears and ur touch warmed my soul, but now they are passionless....the fire has been out for months and the embers are nothing more than dust....ur sent no longer lingers in the air, instead i breath in salt and urine...
I don't like it...i don't want it....the idea that u could walk right past me and u wont care...but here i am...living without u...love.