Mmmmm boooooze zombie want boooooze....

Ahh...14hr shifts suck...especially when its really a 16hr day with travel time...leaves no time to get anything else done....so...memories r fading...all that is left is an idea...i like the idea, but i prefer the actual thing...it always just takes time...with me more time than others i think...just cuz i love so hard ...but as always, my heart will go to sleep, slowly die as i zombiefy myself...true i think about it all the time...but i dont remember the feelings anymore...and once that is gone...i forget why i cared so much....today has been a long day...and noone being here has numbed my heart and soul...they had reached out to so many and got nothing on return....and this time it feels like they died...they lost hope in finding love...tired of the game, the flirt, the bull shit....so....zombie eddie again....nothing to do but work, play music, and drink with my friends....goodbye.

time is all it needs to grow....

There is no better substitute for butter, or sugar, or love....wine and cheese are always great together...champagne and chocolate, long kisses in the middle of long random walks....music and dancing...good friends and good times....there is no better substitute than what you already know is to be the best...so do you stop looking....there are always other fun new combinations, different and enjoyable...wine and cured meats are great too, but what it all comes down to for me...is nothing is as good as it could have been with you there to share it with....with you to hear my sly sarcastic quips that make you laugh, with you to surprise me with how awesome you are, with you to take on my challenge and show who can be the goofiest...someone here I can fully trust in and be myself with....someone who will be patient with me, and take the time to let me come out of my shell and show you exactly who i really am...with you here everything is funner...I could show you my world, and the magic it is...and I can see yours and all its beauty...wherever u r now, i long for the time to get to know you...

My heart is heavy....

I try...i really fucking do...i dont want to want what i cant have...i wish i could live without love....i am trying so fucking hard to forget about it...to stay busy and focus on other things....but days off are hard...especially when u get reminders of how lost my love is....how far away love is for me...how impossible being loved is....France must be my focus...

Fuck! If i could...

I don't worry about it...just do what makes me happy...

Ugh....i need free space....i am bringing home work tonight....i swore i would never do that...the thing i hated most was when my father did nothing but talk and do work outside of it....life should be enjoyed....work should be enjoyable....but there should be a separation from the intense cerebral n controllable work world and the emotional unpredictable life away from there....one of the reasons i dont like hanging out with work friends...amazingly though the friends i made at mecca knew how to separate work and life....so yes i am bringing home work...this one time...only....at least i am getting paid....paris feels more like a reality now money wise....i just need to learn the language, find a place to stay, and find someone to take me apartment while i am away....maybe an sc intern....
Anyway tooo much real info for u today...but i cant help it....i am alone....

View from my buss

What i am....

What i see in you....
When you smile...
How can i feel you...
You could only know....
Why the world let me go...
Why we r not....
When we will be...
In this place i have no control...
Here where nothing is predictable...
In ur images i see...
What is ur beauty...
What is my love...
Your arms around me...
Your lips pressed to mine...
My fingers running through ur hair...
Every minute that passes...
That u n i are apart....
I regret...for not being able...
Not being ready....not being with you...
My heart is urs....my love unrequited....unknown...anonymous....

How are you my 1 and only...

Empty.... Road is long with no end in sight.... the path is bare...void of Vibrant loving Colors all I see is hints of green and brown in the darkness.... the air is crisp n clean but missing 1 very important thing.... you're sweet wonderful scent.... I imagine your arm wrapped around mine... your hand in mine ur fingers curling in my palm... my hand squeezes at the thin air... you are my dream and I am reaching for you....

This road is long n i hate waiting...

It is fucking hot today....and muni is not cooperating....one packed buss broken down, fallowed by another late arriving ubberpacked buss full of foreigners who dont know how to move back or step down....and then when i get a seat the old guy next to me gad such rank breath i nearly lose it....late for work...
These are the days when a little reminder of how much u love me would get me through it all feeling good....but there is no you...there is no family....there is no best friend....instead i have to pretend...believe you r reading this in your soul...that u r somewhere stuck in traffic thinking about me....

This is not a test....it is my life...honestly...for this moment....

Tonight's' movie is "The Ramon Girl" not totally horrible but moments of awesomeness...it is at the point when everything goes to shit for the girl...and who knows how the happy ending is going to come about...well there are some obvious ways but we will see...I am totally that girl though...the one to move to a foreign country just to get dumped...but there is always love around the corner...i do love Brit Murphy...I love the idea of this movie..."Food is an expression of pure Love, each dish u give to your customer contains your spirit, it becomes a part of them, a gift from the heart"....her response"I dont know anything about love, whenever i feel it all i get back is pain and sadness"
Food service is definitely my passion...I put my heart into it...I know it is a dream but I do hope when I am in france and spain i learn a lot about food....and someday my dream is to open my own place where my misunderstood expression can have a place to be released...my only hope is that it can be loved too...my fear is that noone will get it like noone gets me...
I guess that is why i want someone else by my side to help me, to help reign in my oddity....it would be cool to marry a chef...ohh  all these dreams and fantasies I have...who knows what reality will bring...

I chose this...

Or was it even a choice.

 

  I walk by this everyday to and from work....

sorry to bother you, I guess I misread your signals...

i love days off with lots of friends...Yesterday was great...but it was sooo good I ended up passing out early...and now I am awake at 5amsooo not good...I had some very strange dreams last night....being driven around by my brother in some strange city....being back home in the house i grew up in but we were all todays age...and my brother going out with a group of girls and not inviting me and I stayed home pouting....in my dream i often went to bed in a really nice soft bed, but I was always crowding in on someone, my niece or someother friends....It is what i do in real life too...sometimes my instincts take over and i just find the most comfy bed to sleep in not caring whoelse is in it, even strangers....in my dream last night the road turned into a dirt trail in the mountains it is a sign that i dont know where my life is going....also in my dreams is anxiety about meeting someone new, and finding a good bed to snuggle up into...dreams are weird and mine last night were full of strange conversations, how I came up with them is beyond me....

so anyway....could talk about the fun shit that happened last night, or all the shit that is my new job, or the fun that was le diner SF, or the drama in my friends lives, or the two earthquakes we had yesterday, or my plans and opportunities, my carear, my music projects, and the lack of love and sex in my life...or

U r always with me even though u r not....

It is sunny and warm by my house....but here by the beach it is cold and foggy...it is my friday...no real plans this weekend...maybe i will have time to do shit...i hope i have a good shift tonight...we are having a beer dinner....i am expecting it to be slow...but these r the days we get slamed out of nowhere...idk i will be ready ether way....time to work...hello ocean...

Now i need to get to bed...

Home

I think i will make last call!

If u could see me now....

Hi. How was ur day today? I hope it was good. Mine is just starting...i hope i get off early enough to see my friends tonight. Also i would like to take a ride in that party car if it got me off this buss...
I see the ocean...time to work.

You are who? What r u doing here?

Being single sucks...especially in this city of sluts....it is never hard to meet a casual relationship but finding someone to love is imposable....truthfully i have never dated someone who lived here....they either lived somewhere else than moved here or lived in Oakland...or Sweden i guess...but i guess what i have to do is refocus on living without love...and maybe this city and those facts are exactly what i need....give me the time to save money, learn french, and no excuses to stay....so, back to that idea for me....i think it was just the idea of talking to the one that got away made me long for love again...i had the time to put that away....it is hard to do because so many things remind me of her everyday... and everyone I meet is nothing like her.... and what I want is like her....and for me i never wanted the relationship to end...so it has been hard...anyway....the point is i have France in 7 months....that is my focus...

This shit sucks....

Hello. Guess what i am doing.....yup waiting for the buss....but i am not sure if it is coming. The streets are closing for the nike half marathon here tomorrow. My work is going to be insanely busy and getting to work is going to be horrible....
I dont think a buss is coming....this sucks.
So I've been off work for an hour and I am still waiting for a bus....  I waited a half hour for my usual bus then i called just to find out it's not coming  because of an accident....so i had to walk 20mins to another stop to wait 10 more minutes for a bus that takes me towards my house but not really close....
And tomorrow is gonna suck shit bad too...

No more drunk blogging...too much wahhh wahhh....anyway. puss puss bessos XXOO.

It is my night off...i am surrounded by gay boys....this is not how u find the girl of ur dreams.

Hate waiting for the bus i feel hopeless.... so tired I just want to be home in bed...this is the moment the sadness creeps in...wasting time...tomorrow the dmv is a must...and with any luck maybe a new scooter too....i am very excited about friday night....le diner should be lots of fun....i just got two bottles of champagne and a bottle of merlot...and i have desert wine at home....i have to cook tomorrow....i am probably making tamales....yay here comes the buss!

No one on it this time...usually there are about four people who sleep all night on it....my stop is the first stop so buss is just turning around when i get it....so these people just dont get off...it sometimes is the same ones....so crazy...

I am sooo tired....i cant wait to get home take a long hot shower crawl in bed and cuddle...if only someone was there waiting for me....i wonder if anyone else is getting on this buss....
Oh i just remembered my fuck up today at work...nothing that matters but i want to be perfect...work is over now so whatever....
My friend is coming into town tomorrow....wonder if she is bringing her baby....
Someone finally  got on this buss with me...a big fucking empty buss and this guy decides to sit next to me....weird....my stop os next...wonder how long i have to wait for my next buss...
It's another twenty minutes....i think i will take a cab instead...10 bucks is worth it....luckily cab pass by here all the time....
Almost home! Glad u could be here with me....i think i will stop off at walgreens...i am starving...i hate that though....nuts and crackers for dinner again...it is soo much nicer here...it is warmer and no fog....the sunset sucks....

Home!

More waiting....

Goodnight darling....

I am sad....my day at work kinda sucked...i had hoped to get out in time to see my friends...i miss them....instead it is a 14hr shift....but that isn't the worst of it....

i am also very tired...i really need someone to share with....to share life and all that that is....the good n the bad...

So much to say...and this blogg is no place for those words....

Talking to myself again...

These long buss rides give me too much time to think...to wonder how she is doing....to miss her...why do i still miss her...i barely know her and yet this....i feel bad for how i was...so afraid....so horrible to her....i dont understand though...
Her cryptic messages.... she leaves me hanging in text so rudely..... I don't know if she wants to be my friend or if I annoy her.... I should stop trying.... at this point I'm just very annoyed and angry.... just wish I knew the truth from her.... how does she feel about me.... even if its confusin even if it changes everyday, just...something....
Don't know where my world is going... don't know what the future holds... I know everything can change in an instant.... like when my eyes looked into yours.... when our hearts met and our souls connected.... I can never go back... I will never forget our long walks... how u felt in my arms as we hugged at the airport...how i felt every morning as we had breakfast together... how loved and cared for you made me feel everyday... no, I know exactly why I miss you...

This is going to be fun

IMPORTANT INFORMATION for Confirmed Guests! –

Do u have something for me to read...that would be nice...

This is my honesty....wher is urs...

Fuck Fuckidy Fuck FUCK….this hurts…my pride is bruised…my heart is sad, my soul rejected, and my mind knows better…you see I am an adult…you show a kid a bag of candy and toys they will cry and whine until they get what they want…but as you grow up and mature you learn that life is not perfect…you can want something more than anyone else, you can deserve something more than anyone else you can earn something more than anyone else, but that doesn’t mean you will get it…and as a mature adult you don’t waste time moping or pouting or complaining about the things you cant have…that is just wasted energy….you learn to move on and accept…you learn to focus on the better things in life and drive yourself to improve yourself and the things you can control…

All my life the only thing I ever wanted most was to be loved, accepted for who I am, to be trusted, for someone to have faith in me, to want to be with me, to want to take the time to talk with me and listen to me, someone to ask me about the things I care about…growing up neglected has left me damaged and hard to love, because I don’t think anyone is sincere in their feelings for me…and at this point in my life I have no reason to change that belief…

It is time to stop being stupid, to stop thinking Anna cares about me at all….to stop thinking we could be friends….i care about her…I fell in love for a reason….and for those reasons I wanted to keep in touch with her, because she interests me….i am fond of her…and that wont change….but as an adult…even though I want something, anything…I cant make that happen, there is nothing I can do, I don’t know what I could try or say or do…I guess she was just being polite…that only hurts more…like being lied to….

Back to forgetting about her…to focusing on the better things in life….to not writing here anymore…because it is here that I get taking advantage of….goodbye again.

I pink you...

You dont know what i know....

My phone is dieing so i will make this quick....it is my friday....and all i want to do is release the stress of the week all over the place....i am getting better at my job....it is easy....i hope my bosses are pleased...i think they are....i will only be there a short while but i know if i stuck around that AGM job would be mine....but i want to first move, than open my own place...i can feel things coming together....it is crazy how comfortable i am now with this shit....it was a lot more stressful a few years ago but now with experience and knowledge, work doesnt phase me...the stress comes from being over worked....but that is ok....there are three things in my life that matter...work is the third and i got it down...i know my career....from here i open my own place...than another or so forth and then retire at my lounge B&B on the beach.....the 2nd, friendship and social life is ok....i dont trust many people to been  sincere....but i am better at making friends....the last and most important is love n family...and that is at an end....i havnt given up, and i keep changing my mind...the one that got away haunts me....i want to be her friend but i dont know if she wants to...part of me still loves her...but she apparently has no time to be pen palls let alone anything else...so there must be another....i dont know what to do...

What do you want from me now?

Hello. This has been a long day. A good day. I have so much little detail shit to talk about....to someone who cares to listen...sorry blogg but i need more....a need a warm body to snuggle with...soft feet to play with...gorgeous womanly curves for my hand to explore...and beautiful eyes to stare into as i talk about all the things new in my life....
There is this girl who...well i cant tell....i hate not knowing if a girl is into you or just being friendly....i hate it when girls are not forward with what they want....she probably isn't interested....i reached out there...made myself available...offered to get together a time to talk and nothing...but when we are together she does all the things that make me think she is interested....so idk....truth us i want someone else anyway....she doesnt want me though....that sucks....but i am trying my best to ignore love....i need a FWB to keep me occupied until love finds me again.
Anyway.....is this enough for you?

Another late night at amber

Waiting for the buss

Ohhhh.....in that case...ok

I will if u do....

Hello....i am on my way to work....it has been a super hot weekend here....great free music fest in the park next to my work is making it difficult to get to work....and today the castro street fair is going on so i had to walk an extra mile and take three busses....i am late still but ohwell....my work is also very busy....but nothing i cant handle....i have lots to do today....i like to work...i like the business i am in....despite it totally not being my style....but i think overall i have a warmth in my soul....totally not related but affects everything...i dont care about the imperfections....because i know what is important....it's the years together and this is just the road getting us there....I move in 7 months....that time will fly by....especially how busy i am.

my heart, soul, and mind...are yours my love...

Movie for tonight "My last five girlfriends" seems too damn familure so far....do we all go through the same shit...you should watch it...it wouldnt make any sense to you...just like me...I hope you are having fun tonight...or today...or whenever you read this...i may be nothing like him and yet exactly the same...at least i have done those things for sure...i am glad my "my last five girl friends" are over...i have one girl friend left in me...maybe two....that is it....i know exactly what i want...and after my last colossal fail, i feel like i am finally ready to get it right...and the next girl i date will definitely lead me there...truth is i am really fucking horny and lonely, and so i might date one more person just for now....but I want my next girlfriend to be my last...

I love big brown eyes...