Maybe we r special...

So....it is very nice to have days off...i dont know what to do though....i am trying to relax....but it would be beneficial to study the menus more...but no work talk now...the lady behind me has a very annoying voice....yapping away on her phone...anyway...
It is a real thing...sometimes u dont know what u had until it's gone....to be honest....i am glad i am not in Sweden right now...long distance relationships truly suck...and i hope she finds someone to love her...but truth is every woman i have met since just cant compare...i need to move....maybe it is a cultural thing....if i get to europe than maybe i would find someone i am interested in....this is my 9th year here and in that time i have met no one living in this city that i could love....i think after a good 3 months there i will have a better idea as to how to answer that question....or is Anna one of a kind...if that is the case...well then i know we will meet again.

Tell me something....

Hello blogger...another work week done....dont know if anything i did matter...being here has confirmed my belief in smaller restaurants....i will only work here for a few months....i dont like how impersonal it is...sure i talk to every table but i dont get to know anyone....and the staff is so young and suburban....most of them live way out here...this is definitely not the city...the people here are way to laid back and chilled....which also moves me want to move more...anyway....i just caught my buss finally....it's my friday and i am looking forward to seeing friends tonight....but i am sooo tired....i would love to come home to u and sit with a bottle of wine and just talk all night....i need that...i need someone to trust....someone who doesnt judge me....someone who accepts my weirdness...my phone is dieing.....so i will end this now......

Hello from the buss...

Hello...are you doing well? I hope so. What is new with you? I am taking hour long buss rides to work. Gives me time to check my mail....the news and such....it is hot today....my work will be busy....it is my friday finally...i am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow...although i have a shit load of shit to do....i am late for work due to the stupid busses...i really need to get a scooter....i can see the ocean....i know a wastes blog...but j just wanted to hear your voice and see you smile...

It will get better...cuz u r better....

Hello, so this job is taking lots of my time...which is good cuz it's les time to wallow in misery....but it's also less time to work towards happiness...i have struggled my whole life with misery....but i know with every mistake, every left step going left instead of right...i learn what makes me happy...until i met you i didnt know....but losing you doesnt move me further into misery because having known you fills me with hope...i will be better...i will do better...and whoever you are will be different...
There is so much more to it than that...love is only one aspect of life...you in this post can be my career, it could be my city, it could be the musicians i play with...and with each of those things i am ever learning and growing and changing what i want and dont....i dont think that ever stops...i will always work to get things better...alternatively maybe as i age i will learn to adapt more and accept where i am and enjoy what i have...what i cant do is go back...i cant unlearn the music we created...i cant forget what having u there when i need u is like....i want to wake up and look forward to seeing you and spending my whole day with you...
And in so....i search for those things i am missing in my life...not with misery...but with hope....

I have to wear ties now...

Hello blogg u r such a good listener...

So my new job is going well....Thursday i spent most of the day at the brewery...it was killer...brewing beer was never on my life list of things to do, but now that i've done it i am glad it happened...now i can say ive shoveled mash and added hops to a beer and helped choose a blend of malts to use....and in three or so weeks i get to drink my beer....overall it was a fun day and the brewer is a nice guy so it was fun....
In the end though it only drives me harder to wanting to be in france and visit a winery and spend a day crushing grapes....
I need to get a couple books to start heading towards my som certification...one is "the wine bible"....incidentally, if my left went left instead of right, that book would probably be part of the gifts i would bring to Sweden....now i know what u r thinking...ive done so well and havent mentioned an ex in sooo long...but the truth is i will always care about them...and i will always be nice to them...and so when it is their birthdays and i still want to get them something if i can....just friendship....i dont do unrequited love....anymore.
Anyway...got to eat now...my buss comes soon and i cant miss it.

did i mention I work at a brewery now...

(...just the best beer pic i liked)

see my friends baby is soo cute...

Hope my 2nd day of work goes better than this

Watch "Carrie 1976 Pig's Blood Scene" on YouTube
I need to sleep...gota wake up in 4hours.

Do you know me...

I know...i can't stop....it's just that there is this baby here and my friend posted the cutest picture of her daughter the other day...and i am reminded of the night she came into my work...in the past i was always nervous holding babies and shrugged them away when people tried to hand them to me....but her baby was so cute and nice...and when i held her i felt right...women always talk about their clock...they may have a physical thing but studies show that men change after 30ish...i so believe that...i am not saying i want babies now...but i am looking forward to being an awesome daddy someday.

hey again...

The grass is always greener....

Well another paragraph finished...but truth is i have a feeling i am not quite done yet with bossa...in fact in writing this i just remembered a couple things i promised i would do that i didnt...so for my word i have to go back...probably tomorrow...still though it is nice that is done...
So i dont have a girlfriend to talk to....i dont have family to talk to...and i dont really have friends that i talk to...sooo instead i write here among other places...to my imaginary girlfriend...but i think i am going to write less if not stop all together...just cuz...no one reads it anyway...and i am bored with the 1 sidedness of it all....

here you go...now it's your turn...

ahh...sleep felt good...now off to my last shift at Bossa...a dreaded shift in so many ways...i have much office work to finish, i am working alone because sera broke her leg and cant work and john hasnt hired anyone new yet...not even to cover me when i am gone....i have no idea what is going to happen at that place...and it is not my problem...except for tonight since i also have to work with the shit busser who bitches all night about his sore pussy...so annoying....I hope it is slow...it should be....it is a hot sunny day today...i would love to go out to the park today...anyway i have 2 new menus to memerize and a huge staff to figure out...the new job is immense...it is basically managing two restaurants at the same time...luckily there is a lot of support to help me out...and everything is streamlined and all thought out ahead of time for me. should be easy. also, for your turn...it would be cool if it was personal. whoever you are.

Love is for losers....

Ok...my first official duty at my new job is a 6am manager meeting tomorrow....yah in 5 and a half hours....and i am at a bar...what the fuck am i supposed to do....i couldnt sleep now anyway...it takes an hour to get there so i have to be up and alive by 430am four hours from now...do i sleep? This is going to be hard...also my heart would always treat u right...its my mind that picks the fights...never done that before...not like that...scared the shit out of me....

and yet here you are again...

so...i hope all things are well with you...my life is having a moment this morning....everything can change today...or...i hate that word now...it rings in my head like an echo of pain....everything today can be needles to my heart...I hope it goes well today...i realize you cant be mine right now...you are nowhere...maybe you are coming into my work today...i dont know...i hope you do...i have a plan but it needs a director...i try too hard...i know...i want too much...i have always searched for true love...i have always thought you would find me...of coarse now i am trying to learn to live without you...without the idea that you exist...because i cant have you...and today has the penitential to be nothing but little reminders of that fact...conversely today can be everything...this could be the week of my life...and today could be the beginning of it all...but truth is today is more like any other day in my life...i dont know what you want from me here...what you are looking for...what you expect to find...truth is i am always me, i am giving, caring, empathetic, kind, supportive, understanding, persistent, patient, wise, passionate, intuitive, artistic, leader, honest, open, and my eyes touch you as deep as my hands, as well as damaged, unlovable, unmotivated, and all those other things you dont understand...always.

good morning sunshine..

so two nights ago i was awoken by a dream....it was a vivd crazy dream i remember nothing about and it was only after sleeping about 2 hours...i could not get back to sleep and so all day yesterday i was not very coherent...anyway last night a vivid dream woke me up again...i only remember bits and pieces of it, it was very strange...but this time i was able to fall back asleep and get the rest i really needed...
anyway...i have four more shifts at my current job...this is my last weekend...I am a bit nervous about it...i guess that's why my dreams have been freaking me out...i like nervous though...change is scary, the risk and chance i am taking is big...many people i tell are happy for me, but in this economy no one is leaving their jobs because if the new one sucks you could be screwed for a long time...but this is all fun for me....i am sure of my self and i know i am great at my job....besides it's only temporary until i do something really crazy and big in my life...

I fell...i got up...i am walking again

Look down....that is u again, now...i dont know who took that pic of you...but it looks like if u wait, i will catch up to u n drive....my view of u isn't so clear...my honesty, courtesy, and genuine kindness gets me in to things that seem ok
..but they cant fake....well...u set a high standard of ease and desire that casual hellos cant compete with ur words to me...i dont know why u look back at me...i am happy u did...

this is you...right now.

Hey there lover...

So...i got my new phone finally...i have to get used to typing on a touch screen....hopefully it wont hinder my logorrhea of the thumbs...it is much faster though so i am able to satisfy my unfocused brain as it wonders in random thoughts....anyway, the last few times i went out i conversed with some very attractive women...each oh so different from the other...i enjoy meeting people and it always feels good when someone hits on you...but it is so hard to find true chemistry...despite the initial attraction nothing is going to come of it....but it is nice to be out there flirting...i have high standards though...so sorry 23yr old girl you are too young, midwest girl u r too midwest...spanish girl, well...u i wouldnt mind talking to again, but we will probably just be friends...anyway it will soon be tonight again...who knows who i will meet...probably not you though...who are you and why did you read this?

champagne, oysters, cheese, n olives....yummy happy hour...

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i love mondays....

So....how are you? Did u have a good weekend...is Monday treating u ok? it is an awesome day of relaxation and chores for me....I tend to do more relaxing than chores...usually very hung over on mondays, but recently I have curbed my nightly drinking....when I turned 30 I picked up a heavy smoking habit...before then it was a social habit...but at the time I decided life sucked and with each cigarette it gets shorter, so I smoked a lot....and for 4 years my stress levels didn't cease, with the constant heartbreak and job pressures, I smoked a pack a day...but then I started to notice teeth...I got mine cleaned and fixed then I noticed how brown and disgusting some of my smoker friends teeth were...especially johns, and I also noticed how pathetic his life was...and I thought to myself, fuck I am too young to give up on life...I need to quit and go to the gym and take care of myself...so I did...but the stress was still there and instead of smoking I began to drink more...it has been a struggle to curb my drinking...but lately I have done well and the new things I do help...basically I drink a lot of soda water while out and don't encourage as many rounds of shots for everyone...it's been working...I will always have things to stress about though...I need to find a good relief for that...wanna come over see if we can think of something together...

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hey chipmunk....

just another night in SF...

SC after work...danced on the bar and didn't get kicked out....then lots of champagne till the sun came up at amber....only payed for cabs....now it's a sunny day in the city...time to go to the park.

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just something because i like you...

So the euros are leaving the city finally...everyone in the service industry hates August because it brings tons of vacationing euros to our businesses...and yes its nice they are spending money...they also are rude, often annoying, and dont tip...and you know they arnt ignorant about tipping...now obviously they all are not that way...but i have given it some thought and am concluding these euros are rich snobby assholes where they came from too...not everyone can afford to travel here and the majority of those who can seem to be spoiled careless brats...those people are all over the world...and it's the same for americans who travel there....that is probably why they think we are all assholes too.

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something to read....

Hung out with one of my favorite people ever, her husband, and her awesome 4 month old baby girl....they came into the restaurant tonight....fucking great...i used to be nervous holding babies but really when she is ur good friends baby i felt like i was holding family...more so when i actually hold family...truth is my friends r my family...and i only consider a couple people to be my real friends...i am more open in this blog then i am in real life with the people i hang out with...anyway...it was great to see them...truth is, babies are some serious scary shit....but i can handle it....hard part is finding the right girl.

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you must think i am very stupid...

there is no you...I am tired...tired of trying...tired of reaching...tired of thinking....my heart hurts...my tears flow free...you will never understand this...as much as i will never know you...you will never know me...this is to you...whoever you are...wherever you are...my soul misses you...I ask why we are not together...but no one can answer that...maybe i am not ready yet, maybe you are not...i wish we could meet and grow together...but suffering is the way this life is lived...i have been given so much...i have had so many things easy...but you, who are you, where are you, when do we meet...there is no you...there is no someday...there is only this suffering...this life with no you....this emptiness, this wasted days we could have shared....i dont know what to do...i dont know how to live without you...even though i have never known you....i have always missed you... have always been without you...there is no you....

I am the only one like me....

The path looks easy and relaxing...I am gong to cut through the woods and see what is out there, it doesnt look like anyone has gone this way....will you come with me? Yes I know it is different and strange and a bit crazy, but there are 99 ways to live life...I choose the hundredth. take my hand...and i will never let you go...i will carry you when you need me...i will know you will be there to hold me when i need you...we will make our own path together. 

it's today again...

So....last night was rough...but, whatever....today is another new day...no matter how shity yesterday was today will always be new and tomorrow will always happen....until it doesnt and in that case you are dead so it doesnt matter anyway....i have a couple friends visiting from sac this weekend...i am always skeptical of visits form sac people...they like to say they are coming then flake out in the end....i hope they do...one of my closest friends is coming...she is a special person to me...she was a freshman and I a senior when we met...so funny how huge that 4 year difference seemed back then...today that is nothing...she and i are both dark individuals but she is way more skeptical towards people than i am...we would spend hours together talking over the phone...over the years the conversations went from weekly to monthly to seasonally then not at all...just growing apart becoming busy with our own lives...and maybe not needing each other as much...she is married and has a 4 month old baby....I cant wait to meet her husband and child...she will always be one of my favorite people in this world...that says a lot considering i dont like many people...

If I open my eyes....

...will I see you? Are you looking at me? If I see you there looking at me will you be alone? If you are not alone then why are you looking at me? what am I to you? If you are there, alone, a fool in love with me...then why let that love go unrequited? My eyes are closed, until you are ready for me to open them.

the chipmunk squirrel wakes up...

Sooooo slow yesterday and up all night i had way too much time to think and be bored....

So the chipmunk squirrel opens his eyes and gives them a rub...it is pitch black in his room but he can tell it is a warm sunny day out...his dreams fade from his memory as he stretches in bed....he checks his phone for signs of life....nothing....hmmm....flips on the laptop and opens up the curtain....the sunlight brightens the room, but it still is a bit dim despite the sunny day out....he sits and checks his mail, reads the news...then the social pages....then a thought creeps into his brain....ugh...i missed her sooo much last night....he thinks....how could i miss her still, i barely know her...i am better than that, better than still being sad over some silly rabbit....how stupid of me....he shakes his head his mind so ready to put her in his past....time to concentrate on my future....

So the squirrel sits down for breakfast and coffee....and a pen n pad and scribbles down his goals for the moment....get new better job, save to move, learn to live without women (he scratches women out) ...Love, ...he sits and thinks about that for a moment.........his philosophy in life has always been Love first, then friends, work, and music....how could he now live without the one thing he exists for....he dreams of falling in love, having a long engagement filled with travels and learning and passion...then a romantic wedding, a very long honeymoon...then eventually settling down and raising his two beautiful daughters....but.....the chipmunk takes a deep breath...looks at those words "learn to live without love" and then rights down "for now" .....he takes one last sip of coffee...takes a look at his clock and realises he is going to be late for work....he pays his bill and thanks his friend for the kind service...and then makes his way to the gofer tunnels to catch the next millipedes towards downtown and his work...his phone buzzes....missed call from the snow leopard...hmmm....

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new perspective...change is good...

the story continues....

So there once was this hair….er bunny…or rabbit…..ummm

“I am either a bunny or a rabbit…and definitely not a hair.”

Ohh yes so She is a Bunny Rabbit…

“I cant be both! One or the other…”

….OK so this Bunny Rabbit…“hymph”….has returned from her visit across that sea….she has spent her summer working away saving and tanning….but summer is over and it is time for her to move away from home…she says goodbye to her loving father and mother and farewell to her little brother…she packs her bags and gives a goodbye kiss to the family pet hamster…with a tear in the back of her eye fighting to get out and an excitement in her chest busting into screams of joy, she walks out through the fields of grass and long calm beaches to the unknown islands of the north…with her bags in hand she hops over to a friendly line of roadrunners, she finds one she likes and tucks her bags under a few feathers of his belly, the bird in line with a train of others all pecking at a pile of seeds as gofers and turtles all take their places on the backs of these birds….the Bunny Rabbit hops onto his back, and after a few moments the roadrunners begin to walk along, his legs chugging along the birds begin to pick up speed…the rabbit has been here before but this time there is no return trip planned…she is off to start her life….in her mind she envisions all the great things to come and these birds cant move any faster….

Meanwhile, back on the peninsula miles away across the sea there is a chipmunk squirrel…he is living amongst the tree squirrels and gofers, playing everyday with his friends the owl and parakeet and the gay koala…..He has thrown himself into work, serving gourmet nuts and berry juices to all sorts of traveling birds and animals…he says hello and goodbye to many strangers a day, working hard and having fun…then, after, he plays with his friends distracting himself as much as he can until the wee hours of the night until all there is to do is go home rest his little chipmunk head and sleep…because in the back of his mind is an image of a Bunny Rabbit that he just cant forget…he can see her big beautiful eyes, her perfect fluffy tail, and how warm he felt when she smiled at him…he wonders about all the wonderful things in her life and how she is doing…but…he must force those thoughts away, he knows she loves him not…

So driven to forget her, he throws himself at anything that comes his way…but his heart is not into it…his soul misses her greatly…and his mind is too weak to let her go…with all his wisdom and years of disappointments and rejections, this time he knows he lost more than just anybody…and he knows he will never get her back…he quickly shakes his head and reminds himself she will never be in his life again…she rejected him and has forgotten about him…the chipmunk squirrel laying in his bed trying to sleep…he plans his next move…he has a checklist and is working hard everyday…he knows he deserves better, that he can be a better chipmunk…and someday….

So there was this hair, er...bunny....umm no rabbit...She is a bunny rabbit...anyway...

closing early....

Put in my two weeks notice today....kinda sad leavin this place...I am going to miss being the top boss....also this place could get busy if they open the basement right....but I have a feeling it will be shit...
I think it is good to get out...I hope I like the new place...gonna have to finally get that scooter though....
It is fucking slow here tonight....my mind has time to day dream...think about shit....wonder who is making her so happy....I will always think of her as the one that got away....but thinking she is with someone else...moved on from me...happy without me....helps me learn to not like her....waitin for that post of her talking about him or that pic of them together....that would really motivate me....now I only assume she is with someone new....and even if she is not, she will be....
I am not interested in anyone right now, but this thinking about her and how many fucking things I want to talk with her about is not good for me....so....I have to go on dates if not just to distract myself....to make myself feel better about her being with someone else....I want her to be happy....it just would be easier if I were happy too.

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Love it when a Woman goes for what she wants....

..especially when I am what she wants....

Still myself...just better....

So i a was feeling trapped by myself again...the usual self struggle i go through every day of my life...i completely paralyze myself from doing anything...i will lay in bed and think about all the things i should be doing...then do some sort of distraction...i would watch tons of movies and take all sorts of personality tests...i would read tons of shit on wiki and google the shit out of whatever...all sorts of things to just let the time pass by...until to about a year ago i would play hours and hours of video games...i would make excel spreadsheets concerning them and replay games over and over again...such a wast of time...and i would do these things trying to cope with my anxiety...it crushed me...i couldnt breath right so i would get light headed and have chest pains...i would over think things like crazy...then i would go out and disappear at a bar amongst my friends for hours...come home watch another movie and pass out....that was my typical day off, as I struggle with depression and anxiety...

So my parents come back from mexico and i asked them to restock my supply of sleeping pills...and my dad gives me some others to try...xanex and benzos...he obviously doenst know the street value of what he gave me...anyway...i took a xanex today, my first ever...i dont care if this is a pseudo effect or temporary, but it is working...my anxiety has ceased and I am doing shit i need to do...i feel great...IS THIS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE FEELS LIKE ALL THE TIME?! no wonder they find it easy to live life...I have to call my Dr soon...i love this feeling but i got to solve the original issue...this is like the first time i got sleeping pills and realized what a full night of good sleep felt like...man you well adjusted normal people have life pretty easy...

anyway...back to work...

what are you looking for?

hello...do u trust me...then know a mistake was made....

Still here...new drink....plastic garnish....being grateful for my friends....phone almost dead....wondering what ur up to....u have my number. 5% battery life left...ur almost out of time....luckily I am forgiving and understanding...just don't step on me again...

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the truth shall set you free...

hello...how are you....I am uncertain...are you....are things going well with you...do you have someone to cuddle with...to tell you stories...to cook with....to take long walks and explore your city with...i hope you do...everyone needs that...i used to have someone to do those things with...to kiss...to hold...to caress...and now that someone has someone else to do that with...it warms my heart at the same time it breaks it...but one persons happiness is another's misery...i sometimes ponder about suffering...about good things happening to certain individuals often or not...i almost always have someone to do those things with...and yet i know others that almost never have someone...I may have had a few deep close intense relationships...but they are all over now, breaking my heart...and they all have taken from me lessons and improved and grown as women, and are now using what they learned with someone else...we all had each other at one point, but we were not right together...there was someone else suffering, heart broken, missing you in their life...of course not all my past loves have found their soul mate, but soon they will...they will fall in love and get married and have children and i will be nothing more than a short paragraph in their beautiful lives...someday i will fall in love again...there is someone missing me right now...sometimes i write to her, these things, i know she doesn't read them, and if she did she wouldn't understand them...maybe she is with someone else right now, learning, growing, becoming..yet uncertain...we will find each other, and this time i will not take it slow or fall in love too fast...but i will not take love lightly...when i have found her i will marry her...i will love her forever...i will be the best...cuz i know that she is the best....

you and me...swimming here for the day...let's go!