I am a trophy husband....ha ha

I have made a breakthrough…I am taking full responsibility for my single status…but I have realized something very important…April and Anna are two very similar girls…I struggled with them both over the same things…they were both the same age when I knew them and both starting new careers…neither was ready for a man like me…and I wasn’t ready for them either…They put themselves first always, not being inconsiderate or selfish or cold hearted, but out of instinct to survive…and I was critical of them for that and hurt by it too…but now I understand, I have learned this is what makes them who they are it is an important part that makes everything else they do happen…I assumed they were bitches, they assumed I was weak…I do admit my depression gets the better of me at times but this is more about core differences…and neither assumption is remotely correct…I reckon someday they will change…I don’t fully understand them but I bet they will decide they are ready for their next achievement, Love and a relationship will be their focus, and they will make any man truly lucky and happy…until they decide they’ve got what they wanted and are ready to move on to the next achievement…that is their moment when u have to love them the most…when they are not there for you…and maybe those girls after some tries will realize sometimes the best thing for them is to be there for the one who needs them the most…the point is I have learned something very important, I think I am more understanding then I have ever been…and I will go about my day knowing when she is ready, whoever she is, she will take me for her prize…so off I go to make myself a kick ass prize for a kick ass women…I want her to be proud of her trophy, fit, successful, happy, fun...the man of her dreams...for the women of mine.

coffee...then work...then play!

next time will be better...

I feel like anything can happen...i could move to Sweden...i could move to Spain...i could move to Miami or New York...I could stay here...I could fall in love tomorrow or maybe never again....I could wait and see or could demand action now...one thing for sure is that time is very important...are you ready am i ready...i feel like i am running out of time...i cant wait forever, i wont hold my breath...but I cant force things to happen...just cause you want something doesn't mean you get it...everyone wants...many try to take what they want...go for it with passion...but not everyone can win...sometimes you have to know somethings will never be...and sometimes you have to be patient and wait for the right time...but how do you know when that is...especially when you got clocks like that one...it could be anytime right now...wait too long and you might miss out...go for it now and you might fuck it up forever...i am running out of time...but i still have some left....it's not over yet.

all it takes is telling me what you think...

fairness is one of the most important thing to me in my life...you can be kind, a hero, funny, sexy, strong, whatever...if you dont know what fair is...i cant respect you...i give you my thoughts.....in these words are my feelings...I dont know who reads this shit....it would seem no one does....but i give out to the universe a hodgepodge of crap from my soul...and sometimes i just wish i got something in return for it....but that is the nature of this shit....blogs....i guess i write for myself...to no one really anyway....for myself...so what do I think...I think i write to her too from my heart...my soul writes to my future love...my mind writes for myself....how do u tell which is which IDK....in this one post there is a little of it all...

If you love me and you know it clap your hands....

I had an awesome 3 days off...my Birthday was relaxing, and my friends are amazing, even though i barely know them...i dont know how long they will be in my life...this is San Francisco after all...but I am having fun these days...i spent most of my days off in bed, thinking...I was anxious about getting back to work yesterday, ignoring it and the work i have to do...but in the end, I am great at my job and everything is fine...I sometimes think about what would happen if...i over analyze everything...i think about the irony of loving things that by their nature cant love back...the fact that the things you love about someone are the same things why they wont love a person like you back...its like loving food but somehow the best foods are loaded in calories, and by nature they hate me cuz they make me fat, so now what....So i guess i am looking for that bottle of wine that wont get me drunk, or that lesbian that loves straight queer guys....i am looking for something that doesnt exhist...so i must give up again....my heart must die...Zombafie me...it is nice my hearts last love is so far away...it makes it easier for it to die instead of imaging what would happens...what if i just moved to sweden anyway...what if she moved here...what if i use my ticket to go there now, what if we meet again in a year, ten years.....i cant think these thoughts...time for my heart to die...

what Ur doing matters half as much as who Ur doing it with...

Ok...so i have that stupid flight to europe i have to use...and i want to take a vacation and sight see...as i said before i want to share seeing spain, france, and italy with the woman I love...but as i plan this other trip i realize i dont want to go to the boring baltics alone either...warsaw, oslo, helsinki, göteborg, and could i even go to stockholm...i dont think my heart can take it...Copenhagen has one of the best memories of my life, returning there alone seems cruel...amsterdam even...she would be in my every thought...it is already hard enough...

So, I am narrowing down my trip though...no UK, just the above mentioned places and Brussels, luxemberg, and then Germany...3 Months $10,000 i think that should do it...and a girlfriend to make it all worth while....i've got the time, i have the money, now i just need the girl...take a gap year with me...or at least 3 months...story of my life...

more distractions...

i am torn...I have lots to do but, also i feel like I have the opportunity to do nothing but rest and start next week tomorrow fresh...but the truth is I am already board...also there is important work shit i have to do, but i am not going to do that shit because this couple of days off has made me realize i dont give a shit about work...so i just answered that question...I am going to use my energy taking care of myself and i can suffer through work next week...it will suck when i get back to work, but the important thing is that to do list...i have to overcome myself, i have to heal my broken heart...i have to do something with my life,

Who are you more worried about disappointing?

• My boss, teacher
  
• My family, spouse, or friends
  
• Myself
• God

I chose Myself...but what is second...i think that is just as an important answer...i choose fate and destiny...because i dont want to wast my life away...but my passion ever since ive been awake is to be a good father and husband...so maybe this answer is always rooted to family, a family that doesnt exhist, but the one easiest not to disappoint is work and the one I care the least about...

I dont know why this matters....

I am soo In Love with this photo...

sooo Hungover today....

Tomorrow is my birthday....this is the most uncaring I have ever felt about that....tonight i will have my midnight shot as always...the rest is shit...honestly i dont feel depressed like my hormones are out of wack making me feel sad...instead i just feel...like i failed...I would have just had a shot with her, instead of getting ready for work...

I need sleep....

a slow moment at work=

I wonder why it is so hard for me to do things....the easy little things....I am my greatest obstacle...I guess I lack testosterone, which helps ur brain focus....I am always distracted....the only thing I am good at focusing on is love...the rest I find do difficult to do...it also goes to say that I am a better me when I am in a relationship because I would be having regular sex and exercise which increases testosterone and therefore I have the drive to do all the things I want to do...
But I have to figure out a way to do this shit alone....I hate alone....but this is my life...I need to take charge...first I need to clean my room...then I will go from there....

Things to do: get a new job
Apply to online school for psych BS
Schedule therapist apt
Work on BP
Everything else...

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wait...dont be afraid to tell me what u r thinking...

day off ramble...jag saknar dig älskling...

OK so there are the obvious things i am attracted to in a woman, someone who thinks independently above social influence, someone smart, driven, competitive, goes for what she wants, is self confident, and has high standards...And fun, ready to go or do or try anything, and someone empathetic, who truly cares and listens and will draw out what i am feeling from me...someone i could spend hours talking with...someone with lots of energy but also likes to stay in bed...someone who is giving, i love presents....someone who smells good....and someone that can make me laugh, I may be stoic but I love a funny girl...you know the obvious shit....and then there's the details, like someone who walks at my pace, who likes the same kind of things as i do like music, food, activities and so forth...someone who enjoys sex and flowing water and putting those two together...and so much more....truth is when i think about this stuff I keep thinking the same thing...I fucked up something really good...i miss her eyes when she looked lovingly at me...i miss how she wanted to help me...i miss her sexy walk...i miss her goofy faces....i miss cuddling with her...i miss watching movies with her...i miss her club...i miss playing stupid games with her...i miss how she pulled my chair out and sat on my lap after breakfast...i miss our long showers...i miss the way her skin felt as my hands wondered...i miss how she played with her hair...i miss hearing about her day...i miss knowing she would be there for me at the end of my day...i miss candy shopping with her...i miss her honesty...i miss her lips....i miss her dumb jokes...i miss her reading to me as i fall asleep...i miss telling her stories...i miss her everything.

and so i am deciding that for the next few months i am not dating anyone, i am not thinking about love, i am not available or interested...this will be hard because i so very want Love right now...but seeing that all I want is her....and I cant have her...i have to forget about Love....so then I can forget about her...lets hope i can do it...cause this sucks.

unrequited Love is heartbeaking...

The older you get the wiser you become...and the older your friends are, the better advice you get from them...but sometimes no matter how long a friend has known you or how well a friend knows you, another person will never understand what is in your heart...sometimes you cant explain why you love someone you just do...you dont understand why it works it just does and my friends may think i could do better, but they dont know what my heart knows...

I am not going until next spring at least...i dont want to go in the winter, i could go at the end of September for a short trip but i would rather go on a long one, so that gives me lots of time to save and plan...so maybe i should concentrate on other things until then...like whether or not to get a psych degree or get a new job...also i think knowing another language for my travels could help...but which one? I wonder which one more people know...german...dutch...maybe wiki knows that answer...and yes the sun is coming up soon....time for bed...

A plan is being born...

Ok so I am going to Europe at sometime in the next year...I dont know a lot about europe honestly, so i am now going to research places i should visit and see...the obvious ones are Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, Berlin, and London...then there is (in no particular order) Barcelona, Brussels, Athens, Munich, Milan, Marsiella, Edinburgh, Seville, Dubrovnik, Madrid, Warsaw, Vienna, Prague, Stockholm, Helsinki, Lisbon, Dublin...shit there are a lot of places...this is in no way a complete list....maybe i should go by country or region, plan to spend a week or two seeing shit...then move on...well i wont hold myself to the time limit...choose what i want to see then take the appropriate amount of time to see it and then move on....that sounds like a plan...do this for about a year then come home to SF. i wonder how much that would cost probably more than i can save...maybe i just do a couple regions and save the rest for another trip...besides i never dreamed of seeing Venice, Greece, Paris or any part of France for that mater, alone...i want to see those places with the Woman I plan to marry...
Maybe i do Northern Europe first...north west and north east too..so, Germany, Poland, Czech UK, Scandinavia, Baltics, Benelux, and that sounds like a good amount.

just an idea...so far.

I need a vacation...

I lied

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this is my last post....

An ode to Barfly's Wanda...with <3

So Wanda...where are you tonight....I am thrsty...I see all that is fucked in the world...I see the goldon bars....Wanda I have a story I would like to share with you over a few glasses of scotch n rocks....then when the bars show us the door we can steal some corn, green corn....fail....but we would be together Wanda soaked in booz our minds numb to why we drank to begin with....Oh Wanda how broken we are...u more than I...too broken to help each other...but that's not why we find each other...no, we are together cuz no one else would be and misery loves company...so where are you tonight Wanda....I am thirty and lonely.

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pictures of you....its a good song too...

So I woke up this morning feeling unmotivated, lack of drive to do anything, no want to get out of bed....and dread for going to work where I feal like I am getting barried in a hole of shit to do that I just don't want to do....
Its mornings like this I miss having someone in my life the most....someone to remind me that no matter what happens to me that day, I have someone who loves me and will back me up when I get home...it is always easier to get out of bed when u see a smiling loving face next to you, and soft lips to kiss....

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OK...new idea...i am saving a bit of funds these days...maybe i make the move to Europe anyway....maybe Amsterdam, maybe Spain...maybe i just go travel for a few months...it sounds so boring though...sure i get to see lots of stuff, but I dont make friends quick and easy...i would basically be sitting in bars alone around strangers everyday I am there...that sounds shity...maybe it's a bad idea...

this is what we live for...restaurant people love to entertain and drain themselves....and in such we live and die for the the love of it...it is love that drives us, love of others and the love we receive back...it is the reward for the part of our soul we give...her parents friends are my type of people..i miss them too

Wish I could go home, blast music, and clean the house...rocking out till the sun comes up...then pass out...such a night owl....but I have roommates and neighbors...so instead I will hang out at the bar with my night owl friends 'till the sun comes up...

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Induldging myself on this lone day off...chocalate au noisette cake n coffee.....

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I love dessert wine...

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Love where I live...walked outside my door turned left 25 feet and stoped at a nice wine bar with dollar oysters....

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More of the same....

I am frustrated...I hate this feeling and i want it to go away...I fell in Love...and now losing that love stings...it reminds me of April...she was a tough one to get over as well...At least April made it easy for me by being selfish...But April most definitely had that thing I cant resist, I cant deny, I fall for every time, just like Sweden...It is funny that both those girls cant be my friend...both were my shortest relationships...I do miss talking with Sweden still...it would have been nice to stay friends...if only to realize the Love is completely gone...sometimes i check my email in hopes she sent me a letter...it's that hope i hate...it's that feeling of thinking "maybe someday" maybe she will move here, maybe we will meet again, i wonder what she thinks about me...i am frustrated by my Hearts desires...it is hard to go from talking to someone so much everyday to nothing...i tried though...i tried to be friendly and say hello...she obviously doesn't want to be my friend...we are very different, i would like to get to know her better at least as friends...my Mind is at odds with my Heart and Soul...

My phone hates me...it has made a web page that makes me sad its home page...so every time i open the browser i get reminded of why i feel shity..then every time i open FB on my phone it always shows the same persons status and reminds me again why i feel shity...thanks phone for that..and then it stops working...fucking super shity.

My eyes where wet today...I am happy work is here to distract me....but my body needs a break....I need to go away somewhere....I wish I was in Sweden, sitting on the beach...meeting new people, cuddling, feeling energized and loved....focused on my future, I wanted to take her to Italy for our birthdays...gondola ride in Venice...museums in Rome...good food, good wine, good love....instead I am here with wet eyes....

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i have to work today :( i need my day off but then again work is a good way to distract myself from my heartache....

That is a huge stack of beef tartar I had on the 4th...was ok but I've had better...

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I Belive In....

Passion...Love....Friendship...Adventure....Forgiveness....Second Third and Fourth Chances....God...Trust....Acceptance...Hard Work...Giving....Being Pampered...Empathy...Personal Growth...Spontaneous Travel....Good Food...Hot Tubs and Champagne...Cuddling...Looking Into Your Eyes...Learning and Changing My Mind Instantly...Myself...You.

Omg my phone sucks...but I like to tweet tweeet tweet now....depth in thought will come later...I just got a shot that looks like a pint....love my friends!

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que onda ma chéri....

lets see if i can do it...say the things i want to say in the way that makes sense...i love to talk about my emotions...in writing here away from confrontation...in your face i freeze up and cry...the point is i have a huge heart and lots of love...Sweden was the last girl i loved...and so she is the last to be in my heart...and my heart misses her....but my heart talks about "her", talks about love, talks about many things in this blogg that are for my heart and my hearts love...she is whoever comes next and is fun giving loving and challenging, smart together and focused, she is hot sexy and compassionate...she is ready to accept me...everything i am and all that i am not...to sacrifice for me as i will for her and to demand from me as i do from her...she may not exist but i have hope...so I blogg for myself...for 'her"...whoever she is...if you are not 'her", then dont pretend you are....i feel better with her in my life...but i dont play games...

Bloggidy blogg blog

I am on twitter now...that's what happens when I don't have a GF to express myself too...except my phone is shit and turns into a useless brick for hours at a time...nothing coming in...nothing going out...so i cant always say what i am thinking at the time, anyway...sober now...but not for long...love my friends....

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Even more about myself...

So according to chem.com I work best with director/explorer or director/negotiator personality types…the book said 9% of woman are directors and that means around 6% of women are my preferred…if I meet 100 women 6 of them will be my type…what are the chances those six will be my age group or physical type…I feel like finding someone perfect for me impossible…also it said 20% of men are negotiator types...the type directors look for…so of those 6 woman there are 20 men competing for their attention…

The good thing is that I tested equally 28/27/26% neg/expl/dir so I could be any of these types…I think I could fall in love with a explorer/director or neg/expl and so forth…I think if I did it would just be less than perfect but highly enjoyable none the less…

For instance Ohio is a neg/expl, with her our explorer types got along and she loved the director aspects of my personality…although in the end I would need someone with strong director personality to match mine…or an explorer like my oakland ex, but ready to settle down, she would just have to be balanced like me…but I think there will be moments my negotiator personality will crave attention and those days whoever loves me will have to be a strong director type…

The truth is i need someone balanced in my life…I loved the competitive spirit of Sweden, I loved her focus, she was tough minded, and took trust seriously, she has high standards and thirsted for knowledge I love all those director aspects of her…but she is empathetic not systemizing, that negotiator aspect of her personality sealed the deal for my heart…and she was fun…maybe not as adventurous as I am or would like…but I am sure if I planed trips she would go with me…she is probably a dir/neg…but I really don’t know for sure cuz I was still learning who she is…

My point is I loved her because she had a mix of the aspects of these personalities I enjoy…I talk about my Heart, my Soul, and my Mind….and this is the battle of my personality aspects and their needs…when I delved into enneagrams, http://similarminds.com/personality_tests.html , I found that I am a mix of the type 2/7/4 empathetic/adventurous/wounded …makes sense and I love people who are a mix of 8/7/2 achiever/adventurous/helper and a bit of type 3 performer….

The overview of all this is that everyone is a unique mix of all these aspects, my Heart is looking for someone to fall deeply in a unconditional, empathetic, caring, considerate, and true love…and my Soul is looking for someone to do anything and everything with at any moment, to have fun and smile with…and my Mind is looking for someone to talk to, to match wits, to teach me, to learn from me, to trust, and play music with…someone who needs me as much as I need her, someone independent and committed to team Us…and shares my core values…

So I have standards…I know what I like, my "Love map"…the shity part is that it takes time to figure someone out…women don’t have their personality labeled on them…that would be funny…so I have to date…it has been over 4 weeks since I was dumped…technically its ok to start dating again…my heart is still a bit hurt, and I don’t know if I can handle failing at love again so soon…but I need to get laid, and I miss having a girlfriend…i think I will just see what happens…

“Discovering their identity is paramount to the negotiator” from the book….hahahaha heard this as I write about trying to figure myself out.

Tired of the bull shit

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we are different in all the right ways.

I want to know what u r thinking....about everything...work, friends, family, love...I want to be there when u get home...to rub ur feet and listen to how yer day went....to cook u dinner and share a night cap...I found who I am...finally after almost 35 yrs I know exactly what I do best....and I accept that...I am not a manly man...and I will find a strong woman who loves that about me...according to the book only 9% of women are directors....do u know what that means....finding someone like that is rare....that is why I didn't understand...u were my first...the next will be my last...I have learned and won't fuck it up again.

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i feel mentaly played out...

I woke up this morning with my lez friends making out next to me in my bed...not what I expected from last night...I am drinking mimosas with my friends now...I hope this 4th kicks ass...I am acting out against not leaving tomorrow...I should be extatic about my pending trip...looking forward to my birthday...instead I am drowning my sarrows on my day off...

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From a happy time

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more on this later...

I am not much for drinking tonight....also not much for love...or sex....why don't people ask for what they want or go after it or choose to suffer over some bull shit...it turns me on when someone knows what they want and they do what they want...but not without giving back.......
Then again its not always that easy...I need to accept the things I can't have and need to stop wanting it....or

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Que honda snygging...

my mind has ran out of words....I have thought it all out through n through...this isn't my choice.

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Just woke up from a crazy dream while napping...

i was at work and my hands full of plates when i noticed the doors were blocked by some table i set aside but forgot to put back...i noticed people trying to get in but i couldn't help them...i yelled for help but no one came, typical, so i did everything, then i was leaving work early but i couldnt leave cuz of the crowds at the door...but they were all looking outside to the street...so i grabbed a stool and made my way out to see...like i do i found a perfect spot to view...what apparently was a music video being filmed...a pop punk song something like greenday would do...so i thought of sharing this moment with the girl i love and got out my camera...i tried to take video but i couldnt get it to work...then everyone stopped and the crowd booed...apparently someone saw my camera and they had to stop...i was embarrassed, oops,so i shrunk away then the embarrassment woke me up...i also dreamt i was drowning earlier...work is getting to me...i need these next two days off...

it's time to go outside frolic in the gorgeous sunny day and do some fun crazy things...make some memories with some close friends and maybe learn something new...

there is only one of me...

so yes i can do anything i want alone...i do it often...i am my own man...i like quiete lone moments...it gives me time to think...to better see people...to create music and write poems...i love to go where the wind takes me...but still i love people, and friends...and i solve problems readily...here i am spilling my guts again...but fuck it i am down to have some fun...i am not afraid...i am confident...

the nuance of the fact that separation is bliss....

I blog with the intentions of deleting them when I wake up...it dosnt always happen....weed is in the air...I can't smoke it...it makes me halucinate and go crazy

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i am super fucking badass and awesome....

Do u miss me...u miss my smile...u miss my cudle...u miss the idea of coming home to me...u want me? U have to chase me.

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Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.

i am giddy with joy..i have had an epiphany...so i have been listening to "why him? why her?" audio book...i have learned so much...now i know exactly why she loves me...and why she dumped me...opposites attract...i never knew anyone like her...there is this part where she talks about what your "dont do's" are and i did everyone of them...oops...i have to sleep now....have a good day beautifuls...

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I blogg because I love sweden...and it seems like she is hurting...and I want to be there for her cuz I love her....it is stupid of me cuz its her who dumped me...so I shouldn't be nice...but I can't not be me...when u get down to it I love...others leech off that...we live for each other...I have lots more to say...just not right now...last thing älskling...puss puss god natt.

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