no more naps, i need a nice long restful sleep....

How wrong was I….it has come to my attention that I have picked up more of my fathers arrogance then I had hoped to….now I have to learn how to recognize my pridefulness and learn to have more humility….at least in my social life that is….its the role of my eyes when I think someone is being dumb that I need to control….its all instinct, I never think about it, but it happens…and lately happens more than I like it too…it could be because I’ve been baby-sitting the last couple weeks…its a bit ironic since I look forward to being a father someday and yet now I am very irritated by the immaturity of my house guest…but I think the main problem is that I am not ready to invest any part of myself into any kind of relationship, weather a helping sincere friendship, a shallow lustful fling, or a true romance….my soul and heart are not fully healed and ready….truly I’ve never felt so little towards the opposite sex then I have these days….and as much as I don’t want to be alone, being with someone is not possible either….i have to remind myself its only been three months since I last was with my ex ….and yes it was a BAD idea to continue sleeping with my ex in this situation, sometimes it can happen, this was not one of those times, sometimes you can be friends with your ex, this was not one of those either….it cant happen if you both are relationship happy and well matched, so we dragged it on and on, it's like wanting to take a a five minute break when your exhausted, but you dont want to fall asleep cuz its just not the right time, but you get in bed and rest your eyes, telling yourself you wont nap, you just need to rest five minutes...then your all warm and comfy and your head starts to feel heavy, and before you know it you lost control and fell asleep, thats us, we liked to be with each other but always ended up falling asleep despite wanting to just cuddle….and now i feel bad for thinkin about her, wanting those good feelings again...secretly hoping for another drunkin booty call, a chance to try to be friends again, even wondering if we can date again, these stupid thoughts in my mind, i feel so fucking dumb for letting them back into my life, for not being able to forget her....but yes its only been just over three months, not very long...so its ok for me to miss her….its ok for me to not be ready yet….at least I got that rebound shit out of the way…went wild and had some fun….but that is definitely over now….now I need to move on forward some more, try to realize what I am becoming….i am trying to become the man my future needs me to be….

its not easy being green....almost forgot i was green for a minute....or am i blue?

So I am watchin southpark, farting, and checking out cookie monster videos on youtube...Sesame street turns forty today...i have nothing to write today....its nice to know things...to know what you dont want leads you to what you do want....i wonder what its like for those people that keep changin their minds....wanting this today and that tomorrow, how will you ever be happy...and on a side note i was reminded recently of why i love san francisco and am sooo fucking happy i dont live in sacramento anymore....it's really awesome to live in a city of learned, open minded, progressive people unafraid of growth and change...a culture of individuality even though its very group orientated here but thats because we are our family....this is a tough city to survive in but very well worth it....anyway, i've been busy lately....MUNT, my band, is tuns of fucking fun and soon to be in a club near you....and ideas are abound for my future....tomorrow is another day of work, fun, work, and play.....its nice to be single and not looking....concentrating on the advancement of myself.....i do wish things could be different but i am realizing how truly special the woman i next spend my time with has to be......i dont know....i found peace within myself, trying to have the courage to do whats right despite what feels good, and am drinking lots of coffee for that drive to accomplish my goals....i stopped being who i am when all those things changed....now i am trying to get back to who i was....tryin to avoid being a zombie....trying to be something better...

trying to understand my life....

9 In order to know what is changin or not changin you have to know what things were like before - Before the butterfly, love was a feeling i didn't fully know I didn't explore it, enjoy it, was not familiar with it, I wasn't ready for it - There is a huge difference between knowing true love and everything else - and if you dont get that then you don't understand anything i feel - and i didnt understand or know these feelings before either - I did once feel an intense true connection years ago - and as a result i felt heartbreak that changed my life - and every relationship since faced the consequence of that heartbreak - as time went by and all the women i've met none of them made me feel like i did with her - I changed, my heart broken and cold, my soul passionless, my mind hungry for affection - i became like a zombie aimlessly wondering for affection of any kind - i had forgotten what love felt like and decided it was youthful exaggeration of old fond memories - i doubted my memories of how i felt - but then things changed again for me - i looked into someones eyes and my heart got awakened then it was warmed and thawed and stolen by a chrysalis - i received these beautiful emails and cards full of wonderful words, passion, and love...i felt cared for and thought of and my passion came back and my mind became focused, the way she looked at me brought back all those memories of true love except even better - she cured me of my zombie way of life trying anything out exploring any possibility - i was no longer a zombie --- but i no longer am like the person i was becoming then either --- that chrysalis is now a butterfly --- but did i return to the zombie i became the first time my heart was broken -

just to be clear...always misunderstood...

So I was going to delete this whole “blog” is you can even call it that…the last year its been my outlet for my heartache…and now as I move on past that part of my life I was thinking I should just wipe it all clean…I mean those ideas I laid down are no longer me or how I feel….but as I reread some of it and knowing that parts are particular to events in my life that are no longer current…those ideas are still me…this blog despite being written when I was depressed is still how i feel and am….the only difference now is that I don’t have that great need to express those feelings out into the world….so I am leaving them up, with this disclaimer…the posts for the past year or so are slightly personal , self involved ,and single minded, I have no idea the impression they leave, but they are ME, one part of me but one I will not hide….hopefully the future posts I can express those other parts…but then again the post before this says more of the same and I doubt things will change….

i need a new drug....

Well here is a new one….absolutely nothing has changed but everything is different….this blog is old and tired….i want to start all over but am to bogged down with tones of shit I need to do…to take this thing as it is…a look into my expressions of love….you see when I write and post things here its cuz I find nowhere else to release the overflow inside me…and the hardest thing to find a safe place to let go of is love….so it ends up here….there is more to me…there is more in my life….but I tell my friends about those things…besides, for some reason I find talking about my life goings on in a blog to be way to personal….but expressing my desire for love and my heartaches and such…well that’s all out in the open here…because here no one looks…well at least no one tells me they look….and its like, I get to release it then it gets to be gone and I get to move on….so since no one is listening anymore….

wookin pa nub...

Sorry I have been gone for so long…heartache is a bitch…I wrote a song about it ”heart ache” here it goes…”FUCK YOU FAT BITCH!” ….I hate heart ache…that bitch that heart ache is takes so much out of my life…but now months over the relationshipS…tired of all my exes…I find myself in love again…so fucking in love…its like my body knows it’s supposed to be happening again…the cycle has turned ,and now it’s time to care about somebody …to be doing things for someone, giving, caring, living…only thing is I haven’t met that someone just yet…October is a crazy month for me…Halloween tends to bring the freaks to me…but it’s always about Lust…staring deep into each others eyes and not giving a shit about the rest...too bad the rest always finds its way into our lives…to keep this entry short and sweet I must say one last thing…to whomever you are…my Love, I might not be ready yet, nor you…but I cherish your smile, and the way you look into my eyes…your support and caring….all those things you bring to my life, all that gives me reason to do, to touch, to feel, to fill my passions in life…I have no faith or hope we will ever meet…but I will always love you.