Don't you have a cabbie? - just me again...

Saturday night Maria and I went out for drinks in the mission…It’s always fun hanging out with Maria…we somehow ended up at some bar with a strange lesbian friend of my exroomate – So it’s two and I call Fernando, my cabbie, to come pick us up…without fail Fernando shows up quick --- He is not only reliable but always a great conversation in the cab ---

So Sunday morning I was woken up by Jason’s phone alarm…but it reminded me to set mine for work…so I look for my phone and its gone…Fuck’n shit I know exactly what happened…I lost a few phones already this way…in the back of the cab…I was already getting my mind set on buying a new phone and trying to deal with losing all my numbers…So I call it just in case… answers “Hello is this Eddie’s friend?” I know exactly who it is “Fernando” I say with a huge sigh and smile…his accent is unmistakable…

So he offers to drop off the phone to me…I tell him I’ll be at Mecca working…he says he’ll drop it off there that night on his shift…now I don’t know Fernando very personally nor do I tip him very extravagantly…but he took care of my phone and went out of his way to bring it to me…he is a genuinely nice and special guy, I am happy to know him…So if you ever need a cab I know one that you’ll be very glad too call…

Love will be the death of me...

It doesn’t surprise me they don’t answer – it doesn’t surprise they don’t call back – it doesn’t surprise me they didn’t make it out to see me – I am just a place holder for an idea – she doesn’t really want me in her life – she likes the idea of having someone in her life just not me - but sometimes I'll due – I am a small role in her play in which she stars if not is the only star and the rest of us are just co-stars and side characters –and I am nothing more than a stand-in, a filer in between scenes of their lives - so I wait patiently for my next cue, my next part….someday maybe my big break will come – And I get to play the romantic lead…I just hope its in a good play.

Thanksgiving memories...

I hate holidays --- I had one fucking fuck of a day --- Worked sucked, the bar was boring, and I broke a string on my guitar --- But just as I was consuming myself in misery my roommates Eric and Maria stumble on home --- The most enjoyable time I have in my life is three in the morning chats with my friends after long days and longer nights ---

Eric and I decide to have one last smoke before ending the night -- so I step out back and stumble my way to lighting my smoke when I hear some loud smacking sounds --- I don't think much of it cuz at this time of night you usually here the BOC throwing out their trash but I look over and I see a plum of smoke rising from the garage across the way --- Right away I know its a fire --- but I'm a little high and very drunk so I look at Eric and tell him to call 911 --- He laughs and asks "should we"? -- So finally he says "OK I'll get my phone but you call" --- so I do --- drunk and high I'm talking to the operator trying to make sense of my thoughts --- with Eric's help we direct the fire dept. to the fire then enjoy the show...

I got some pics...this one looks like the demons are rising...

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It turns out the garage was the BOC's storage area...

And there it goes again...

I was walking down the sidewalk thinking about how true my post about love for me was --- I was drunk and high when I wrote it --- I was thinking about how it’s really a good thing – now I can manage my life without my heart’s crazy needs for coddling and attention --- now I can be the apathetic passionless Eddie that I have been most of the last ten years --- this makes it so much easier for those in my life --- now instead of wanting too much I am happy with what I get --- that is good --- not caring is good --- because the fact is that in my personal experience falling in love always leads to heartbreak --- it’s the same for those around me…unless you met in or just after high school or someone’s prego your relationship is destined to fail 100% of the time ---

Love is like a fleck of sparkle blowing in the wind going wherever the breeze takes it…and I’m like a branch on a tree catching whatever comes my way until the wind takes Love away from me again…

Am I alone in this too?

I suck at talking during sex…unless you like the very infrequent moan and occasional “yes”…I always wondered about those people who call their girls sluts and whores while fucking…I don’t want to fuck a slut…YES I know I do fuck sluts…but I do a lot of things I don’t want to…like dancing with ugly people or playing shity cover songs…the point is even when that EZ fuck slides between my legs I don’t want to scream it out loud…girls freak me out…why would anyone want to be treated like that and be beraded…they have some sick thing I just don’t get…

FUCK!...I am the nice guy who’s too damn nice to keep the girl…Actually there are a thousand other reasons why I lose her…not throwing my bitch around and being an asshole in bed is just one of them…I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform well in bed…and I think I do ok… like everything else I do I want to be different and very good at what it is…but like everything in this fucking wierd world I feel like I just don’t get it…

Miss Trannyshack 2006

Here are some snapshots from Miss Trannyshack 2006...

Somehow I ended up dead center up against the stage...I was behind a couple people for the first two numbers than they were escorted out because the fella in front of me was passing out on the stage...Heklina had none of that...



Heklina's opening number with...uhh..umm well some pho-tran...Don't ask me for her name cuz I aint got it!....

Juanita More's opening number...hey look...there's our favorite MOREboy Isaac!!

Alexis Arquette..one of the judges I think...

Parker Posey made a very brief appearance...

You should have heard the freak next to me screaming like a banshee in the wild every time Parker was mentioned... I've seen school girls at MTV's party house have more composure... I had to slap the Mo before he exploded...

Jupitor...one of the contestants...YES that is a live snake she is holding...

MONISTAT!!

I enjoyed her number
...this is her at the beginning...




Check out Moni...I think this picture rocks...











The grand finale...Moni gets carried off the stage...


Raya Light....















She won Miss Trannyshack...I can't remember the songs she did but her number was good...it was dramatic..and dark...














Lady Bunny from NYC...this is from her number after the show...she was a guest judge too I think...


Lady Miss Kier...
I must admit I had a crush on her back in the day...She may be pushing it...but she still looks hot on that stage

OK...so thats all I got for photos..I left during intermission...I ended up at BOC drunk as a skunk afterwords...I don't remember any of it...Oh well...

My heart is lost

There are stories about it… countless songs…and poems that make you weep… Love has a hold on my life…my heart fell into a deep coma years ago…it was on its death bed when suddenly my heart comes to…and like a new baby it wants everything…it craves to be held and cuddled and cared for… now I have to force it back to sleep…I have to sit it down and explain to my heart…”look...there is nothing here for you…this world is not made for your kind…you just need to close your eyes…shut off everything ..and go back to sleep”

I’ve given up on love…I thought I was ready for it…I thought I could find it…but now I have to realize Love is for those other people…

What I Didn't learn in the Third Grade...

So it’s a nice fall day and my friends and I are exploring the playground during recess – one of us finds a sheet discarded in the tall grass against the fence – we’ve never seen anything like it before – someone says it’s alien waste – it’s a sheet of paper with thick dark waxy stuff on one side and grayish and blank on the other – we all take turns inspecting it trying to figure out what it is – quickly someone tosses it in fear and we all run off to play somewhere else—

Later I look at my friend George and notice he has some blue stuff on his face – “what is that” I say astonished – we look at Kenny and he has blue on his face too – I reach for my face to feel if anything is on it and they both stare at me with wide eyes “ITS ON YOUR FACE TOO!” they say – I look at my arms and notice it there too and on my friend Ian also and we all start to freak out – “what is it!” – “It’s from that alien paper! We are infected!” someone screams –

We try to think what to do – George says we should go to the Office and tell someone -- I freak out more – For me there are only two reasons to talk to an adult – one cuz your in trouble or two…I don’t know what the other one is but I told George not to go – Recess was about to end and we had to think of something – we could be dying!! – George finally gives in and despite what me and Kenny say he runs off to the Office – Later he comes back all cleaned up and smiling happy – we ask him what happened and if he got in trouble – A man of few words he says nothing and heads off away from us - -

Kenny and I debate a little longer as Ian heads straight to the Office – He quickly returns all fine and explains to us it’s ok the nurse rubs some stuff on you and cleans it right off – Kenny and I are still skeptical something bad is going to happen – Kenny finally decides to go in – But I still wait until the last minute – the recess bell rings and all the kids file into class – I don’t want to go to class all blue but I don’t want to go to the Office so I get reel panicky – and then I see Kenny go to class and he seems fine so finally I sheepishly head to the nurse – She sees me and smiles – she brings out some rubbing alcohol and rubs off the marks – I ask her if its alien stuff on me and she smiles and explains the paper we touched was copy paper and the dark side was ink – she asks if there are anymore kids and I say I am the last and she tells me to not “play with garbage or touch strange things, even if it looks clean, cuz stuff can spread to your body and get you all dirty” ---

Which reminds me it’s time for my biannual screening – even still today I am scared to go talk to a professional – but I have to do it - I cant avoid the Office forever – So I’ll sit there as the nurse takes my blood and explains to me not to "touch strange things, even if it looks clean, cuz they could have things that can spread to your body and get you all dirty, and if you do to be sure to wear something to protect yourself" – Sure I’m not in the third grade anymore but I keep making the same mistakes….

I HAVE AN ANSWER JUST NOT YOURS

11 am I cant sleep – I love how your late 20’s make you feel like your getting so old – like life is coming to an end at 30 --- like life has some magic last call when your 20’s end and the lights come on and someone is screaming “LAST CALL TIME TO GO HOME!!” – time to be an adult and act like your folks did, or as “normal” old folks did anyway –

I have no idea what path of life is acceptable or required or expected – I know that each and everyone of us has a unique way to live out life – as we go along this walk of life we sometimes experience similar things – for me turning thirty has become very liberating – I can now look back at something and say “that’s over now, been there done that time to move on” – but not like you’d expect – my moving on is just being able to make new mistakes with new excuses – I cant use the “well I’m young and have time excuse” as much anymore – instead it’s the “this is SF and 30 is young here” – and so on –

Life is always fun no matter what age your at – like this guy who came in the bar Sunday – he’s a New Yorker who comes to SF 3 or 4 times a year – I met him the first week I started the job --- he’s a unique fella – he’s sorta famous I guess but I don’t really know cuz I don’t fallow entertainment shit enough but he’s a columnist or something I think he said he’s been on those VH1 list things –

-- anyway he’s in his forty’s classic New York Jewish Gay -- he wears plastic rimmed glasses like I used to have – he has a quirky look to him and his smile – anyway – he’s alone at the bar eating so I chat him up and he tells me he’s on the phone having a text chat with his friend in NY - - he says he just told his friend he got his nipple pierced with a sly smile – this guy is very clean cut looking in a way that he has nothing pierced no tattoos very Jewish boy looking – well until earlier that day that is –

He said it took him 5 years of thinking about it to do it – it was a very exciting thing for him – I loved it – he didn’t know how long he’ll keep it or how he feels about it yet – we joked about what kind of jewelry he should get like maybe a fishing hook to catch young studs – I forgot my point…anyway…

Idol hands blah blah blah...

I wish I had more time – fact is I have more time than anyone I know – I just waste it all away --- I wish I knew what I did with my time – reading random blogs and singing songs in my head --- I heard that Prince locks himself in his studio for months when he’s writing music – he secludes himself from the outside world and just works on putting sounds together in a beautiful way --- I wish I could do that –

So I met a very attractive girl at the bar the other night – the first time I met her she was soo drunk she laid her head in my lap to pass out – I thought it was very cute -- I saw her again the next week Sunday night – made a plan to see her at Mecca Thursday when I worked – Tuesday night I get back from Sac completely frustrated with the dumb drivers and slow moving people in that town and I couldn’t get out sooner – so I head straight to the BOC to unwind and relax –

I walk in and there she is with her friends – I quickly walk pass them and try to pretend I didn’t see them – OK this is when I usually get abstract about my feelings and thoughts cuz it’s just to hard to explain any other way –but I’ll try – If I could I’d draw a picture of frustration anxiety and joy all together bathing in vodka and cran –

now I’m sitting there thinking what should I do, should I talk to her, what should I say, what if she sees me I have to talk to her…blah blah blah blah And OHH FUCK I forgot my smokes SHIT – so I set down my drink and run upstairs get my smokes brush my teeth and get prettied up – shit I’m not supposed to be dealing with on my night off relaxing at my bar --- so I head back down and there she is in the patio and I wave hello and smoke --- the whole night I’m trying to avoid her but I still want to talk to her sorta but I just wasn’t in the mood to flirt –

So too many vodka’s later I notice she’s about to leave so I go stand by the coat check to catch her on the way out – nervous anxiety rushes me and I fucking hate it – I grab her as she’s walking out and play the game a bit she remembered Thursday at Mecca and said goodbye – That was the worst fucking night at BOC I ever had ---

She flaked on me Thursday night – probably better that way – She’s a cute girl but that might be all she has going for her --- besides it’s a week later and I already moved on to someone hotter and a lot more fun -- the cards told me the future holds a surprise for me as I look at the world in the palm of my hand with wonder and enchantment there is trouble, fear, and emotions awaiting --- hmmm

I hate telling stories.

I don’t know -- it’s 6m and I cant sleep – my options for “things to do” are slim - I already wandered through myspace land and took a stroll through some random blog and made a stop by some cheesy gossip sites – I could read a book but I suck at reading – it’s an ordeal that I just rather avoid – I get too ADD for reading – I like to use the fact the English is my second language and that’s why I suck at it but whatever – I’m a math person not a reading type – so anyway…what to do… - - - tired of movies, the bars are closed, all my friends are asleep, my housemates are sleeping so I must be quiet, I just ate, and there’s tons of shit in my head I gots ta get out…so where to begin – I’m not much of a writer – I suck at telling stories – I like to write more abstract type shit like fucked up poems that I turn into song lyrics later – I could tell you about the guy at the bar Friday night – it was too stereotypical of a situation to be true but it was – this couple comes in and it was obvious sugar daddy young toy couple – the SD was some silver haired goof who spends too much time at the gym trying to compensate for his old age wearing a shirt two sizes too small – and the toy was way too pretty decked in all designer clothes with his nose in the air obviously too good to be anywhere – luckily I didn’t have to serve them all night but as they get ready to leave the pretty boy complains to Steve the lead bartender that there are pits in the olives – The Boy is crying cuz he wasn’t told there are pits in the olives and he bit down on one – My bar manager comes over and discusses it with him further going on and on that he should have been told and that he has dental work could have been damaged - I’m sorry but I just find it fucking funny how dumb stuck up and bitchy people think they can be – its like the guy that came in the night after – these two dudes are sitting at my bar nicely dressed and drinking – nothing new for Mecca – then two very hot sluty dressed women come in – I perk up cuz it was clear these girls where straight – and I don’t ever get straight hot girls at my bar – so apparently these two dudes where waiting for them and I seat them in front of me at my well – I hand the girls cocktail menus which was a mistake cuz I don’t think they could read anything that doesn’t say couture – they order the same drink cuz I think they shared the same brain, two madori and diet cokes or something stupid like that – I talk one of them into getting an appetizer cuz that’s what I do – she ordered the artichoke – I set it down in front of her and she didn’t touch it once – I don’t get it – so they quickly leave and I settle up the tab – get the dudes card and it’s one with the picture on it – the guy in front of me is nicely dressed and clean shaven and the picture is the dude with a trucker hat looking like white trash I had to laugh at the poser – so his friends are waiting at the door and as he’s sighing the slip – he proceeds to tells me about how some guy hit on him in the bathroom – and he’s upset – he tries to explain that he’s cool about the gays and whatnot but this gay came on too aggressively in the bathroom and wouldn’t let up – I’m like dying inside of laughter cuz this dude is unreal – I play the good bartender and tell him what he wants to hear and relate with the guy –he’s just going on and on about it though – and he goes “look I’m from the Marina, obviously…” I’m thinking yah obviously, so you know you’re an asshole but don’t care – he goes on “I know people think marina people are stuck up or whatever but I’m cool with gays, but this guy hit on me way too aggressively and I told him I was straight” then he hits the donkey right on the ass he says “I mean look at the strippers we’re in here with man, you seen them right they’re hot” then he smiles and looks for me to hi five him or something – I cant remember anything else he said after that cuz the laughter in my brain was too loud – the dude finally sighed his slip and went away – it’s almost 7 am now I guess I’ll post this…

noth'n to do and nowhere to go

I’m trying to find some continuity for my blog – what is that I am posting and how does it all fit together – But really I guess this blog is an extension of what I am like – Life for me is like salmagundi – a bunch of everything all jumbled together – I used to think I had A-ADD cuz I never had the patience to stick to one thing and master it – it’s not ADD – I fancy myself more of a "Jack of all trades, master of none, though ofttimes better than master of one" (pardon the cliché) – This is a personality trait of a enneagram seven the type of person that likes to do shit and not worry about a plan - I’m in Sacramento tonight and Fuck is it quite out – I don’t know if I can fall asleep with out the sounds of the wondering wacko screaming profanities into the night or the occasional scream from a late night crowd on its way home – And as I force myself to end this blog in which I had planned to say so much and yet said nothing at all, I had wanted to figure out my ballot for today's vote but….I guess I’ll figure that out at the poll like everyone else – Since I started dating 12 or so years ago, I've been single and looking for like a total of two years all together – I've been in 5 long term relationships and a couple shorties in those ten years and like three times I went from one right to another right into another – I keep just expecting the next is going to find me any day now – I keep meeting wonderful women – I’ll fall in love than it soon passes and I’ll fall for someone new next week – I really don’t like being single but I guess I am just being very picky in my “old” age - My job is getting intense I went from getting no respect to getting way too much and now they want me to work four long shifts a week – Yah I know most people work five but I am not most people – 7am time to fake sleep - goodnight

Halloween pictures

So I had to work on Halloween - I missed out on the chaos that is the Castro on Halloween - 300,000 people crowded into the neighborhood - A kind of chaos I usually enjoy a lot -luckily I work at the edge of where they blocked off market street and lots of people came in for predrinks and stayed to avoid the madness -