Late night tired rant...

Happy Fucking New Year...I am not looking forward to tomorrow, errrr today later on anyway since the sun will be rising soon --- i have effectively put myself in a fucked situation with my insomnia - I went out tonight with the hopes of getting drunk enough to sleep -- I had no intentions of talking to anyone or meeting anyone or having any fun last night I just wanted to get drunk and pass out --

instead I bumped into two coworkers and some stranger wouldn't leave me alone - he kept trying to hook me up with some girl and telling me I should smile - I was so annoyed - I was in no mood to be anything -- I finally caved and went over to met his friend just to get him to shut up - it was so dumb --

He goes "hey this is Eddie he's straight" - she goes "your straight!" - than grabs me and before I know it she's all over me - I felt like such a tool - making out with strangers just isn't as fun as it used to be -- now I say this on New Years the most popular day to make out with strangers --

gaugh tomorrow is gonna suck from beginning to end -- I love my roommate Eric but I am dreading going to brunch - I mean Who am I gonna sit with!?! my best bet is Maria and her new boy toy -- fun I get to watch them make out as I try not to choke on my Mimosa --

Then I get to go to work and most likely make shit for money since it already costs $200 just to get in -- at midnight my best bet for a kiss is my gay coworker ohhh scruffy -- by the time I get off everyone will be very drunk and I can just chill in the corner and be apathetic and unamused as always

Use it or lose it just dont abuse it...

I've been lagging on this dumb blog...I've been passing out drunk and exhausted the last week and a half so I didn't need the blog canvas to release the endless rambles rattling around my head...and other than the show I don't have much to say about anything...I had to go to sac Wednesday to finally reset my battery...soon I'll look back to it all and remember some stories...until than here's five things to live by... - life is easy...if you want something ask for it...you'd be surprised how generous people can be...try to have your cake and eat it too...remember to give as much as you take... and if your up at four AM I'm up to chat or cuddle depending on how cute you are ;)

Just me on my island...

Oh golly Gee!! why do such little things ring such large bells in our lives? How is it that the Final two weeks of every year creates such mass reflection and turmoil in everyone...Have you caught yourself thinking about this past year and how much you ve grown or changed over the time or how much you thought you might accomplish but failed to..maybe you surpassed any expectations you had...fuck that would be something...is this life filled with people seeing things half full or half empty...I say FUCK IT ALL...the stupid glass needs a chug and a refill cuz nothing ever stays the same anyway...birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...all stupid check points to look back and see what you've done so far and what you have left to do...I say why fucking bother...not to say reflection is dumb but I just think life is worth reflecting on all the time...because this world is just as predictable as it is unpredictable... and to think that the change of year means anything or the number of days you've been alive or whatever as the barometer for where you should be is a strange idea to me...I guess this all stems for an idea of time and dates being a figment of imagination...lost you whatever...ask me about it later...

trannyshack 12/12

I CANT SLEEP – I’M NOT SURE WHY I EVEN TRY ANYMORE –

I have nothing to say or write about --- I wish I had a warm body to cuddle up with and keep up all night as I babble on about nothing --- this girl came into the bar tonight and told me a story –she quit seeing a girl cuz her best friend doesn’t think she’s cool enough for her --- I wonder about that shit – She said she met a really nice cool girl and they had a little fling and then her best friend, who had met the fling a couple times, spazzed out when she found out ---

ok too many pronouns to keep straight so – “Jill” is in my bar telling her life -- about how her best friend or “Wifey” as she put it – talked shit about “Lucy” A girl she truly digs but cant be with cuz “Wifey” disapproves --- (I’m using fake names only cuz I cant remember the real ones) anyway – I couldn’t understand cuz at first I was like maybe Wifey is jealous and wants Jill but Jill was like no she’s straight and has a boy but I was like even still she probably doesn’t want to share --- but Jill was like no fact is Lucy IS strange and awkward and not the most attractive gal out there --- and Wifey thinks Jill was slumming it ---

I couldn’t help but sympathize with Lucy – so I was like well shit Jill if you like the girl than fucking call her up right now and go hang out --- Jill fucking hesitated --- she was so into Wifey and what she thought that Jill couldn’t do what she really wanted to --- frankly I think Jill is a week soul --- the fucking kicker is that Wifey met Lucy twice and doesn’t really know Lucy but from that she’s made a decision for her friend --- I got very frustrated from all this – I still am --- I can’t stand people who make decisions based on what other people might think of them ---

MY BANDS FIRST BAY AREA SHOW!!!

whats better..being smart or pretty?

It's late or early or whatever...and I am still listening to Ragina Spektor...I cant get enough of her music...so I drove in from Sac today just in time to go to work...i spent about an hour an'a half driving and 2 hours trying to find a parking space...I ended up parking by my work thinking I'ld move it after...nahh...instead i decided walking home would be faster and safer considering my drunken state...but it was raining and I was drenched by the time i got home...the plan was to sober up, eat, then go move my car cuz it's in a sweeping zone tomorrow...that plan went to shit soon as I took off my wet clothes and got all warm and comfy...

so now I'm laying in bed contemplating when I should go move my car...I wonder if i should wait 'till morning and get breakfast on the way...insomnia is so fucking boring...there's only so much shit you can do in the middle of the night...i wonder who's at orphan Andy's at 5am...Who the hell else is up at this time wasting away moments on gibberish and babel...I wonder about the hits I get at this time...are they people waking up or are they wackos like me who haven't slept yet...There should be a place for people like me to go...that's not filled with drunks and strung out zombies...who am I kidding there is no one else up at this time but the drunk and high...


I hear i would get along well in Spain...people tell me the culture there is like how I live my life...sleepwise anyway...I find it very aggravating how early San Francisco goes to bed... for an enlightened large city you would think there would be more options out there...does anyone know what I am talking about...

my songs as I hear them

I let myself fall in love with you…mmm hmmm….there’s no turning back…there’s no being me again… I am in love with you …I am in love with you …now I’m thinking about you…now all I think is you…and here I am…here I am all alone…and there you are… there you are so far away…and now I’m looking for a beautiful place to get lost…some beautiful place to get lost…I don’t know where I go now…and I don’t care who fallows me there now…you left me here so I can sit and cry…oops a daisy how you drove me crazy…there’s no use in me a crying…I’ve done everything and I’m sick of trying…I’ve thrown away my nights and wasted all my days over you…you wont matter anymore…you wont matter anymore…it’s sore all over here…and I promise I’ll feel better...better…better...I’ll feel so fucking everything…I’ll feel betto…betto…betto..and now I lay here and feel nothing at all…anything at all…love will be the death of me…return me to sender…I’ll stop pretending love is forever…come on bartender…kick me back out into the cold and nasty weather…maybe if I’m sober I’ll stop pretending love is for real…love is forever...love Is for me…love will be the death of me…love is so fickle…come on bartender…just another broken heart for me…just another broken heart for ed…where is she now…last night your lips where too appealing… the thrill should have been all gone by the day in the usual way …but its only your arms I’m out of…what a fool to dream of you…twasnt part of my scheme to sigh and tell you I love you…but I’m saying it...I’m playing it dumb…heart break here I come…depression has a hold of me…I don’t need your fucking sympathy…depression got a hold of me…depression, gotta break free..gonna kill me…all I do is think of her…take it away ..take it away...I JUST WANT SOME SKANK…I JUST WANT SOME SKANK!!!

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Insomnia is kicking the shit out of me the last couple nights….too much caffeine….the house is very quite this weekend…no one here to chat with after work so I think my mind is full of random chatter and its keeping me awake…

Last Thursday was one of those nights to always remember though…I have a habit of barging into my sleeping roommates rooms at four in the morning when I’m drunk…now most people would probably be upset with such actions…maybe yell, be offended, move or whatnot…and I try not to be too imposing…but honestly I cant help it…I’m a night owl and I forget sometimes not everyone else is…anyway…the night out was adventure full and afterwards things got hairy…so I ran down the hall to hide…and barged into Maria’s room…who had to go to work in like 3 hours…I open the door and she mumbles some clutch response to being woken up in the middle of the night “Hey wanna cuddle”…I find that very interesting…no “who the fuck are you?” Or “what’s going on is something wrong?”…Honestly I was half expecting her to shoo me away…instead I crawled into her bed and we chatted for about an hour ‘till the house got quite…

I don’t know how to say it but in the short time knowing my roommates I have grown very fond of all of them…they are like family to me…

Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance. - Rabindranath Tagore

It doesn't matter what I want anyway...

It’s late – I’m drinking a Corona – and I’m watching Tea with Mussolini – soon I’ll step out for a smoke and gaze at the stars and bob my head to some stupid song I have in my brain --

This last week I’ve been pouting around like a little girl complaining about being single and that all the girls I’ve been meeting lately are nothing but Rats as Ms. Golightly would put it – I have given up on the lot of em…I also have had a few problems at work that have contributed to beating down my soul…so I’ve been staying in keeping quite and laying low…until champagne Sunday…

I had a decent shift at work and after the Jack flowed freely…I ended up going to the BOC after with a couple coworkers…and more free alcohol fell into my lap…My coworkers left and I went out for a final smoke before heading home…I really don’t remember how it happened but I ended up meeting a girl…she’s from Sac…went to the same high school as me…graduated the same year even…or at least I think…I could have made it all up considering how drunk I was… and now thinking back...I think that’s way too weird to be true…

anyway…I’m not sure if it was the countless shots of jack or my emotional state or maybe she just is completely irresistible…but I had to kiss her so I did…which was very out of character for me…and with that my personal vow to be women free ended…I fucking didn’t even last a week…good thing is I was too drunk to remember her name or how to find her…I was soooo drunk I probably made a complete fool of myself…I doubt she was all that interested in me anyway…so I can keep the idea of being girl free going…if I want to…

Don't you have a cabbie? - just me again...

Saturday night Maria and I went out for drinks in the mission…It’s always fun hanging out with Maria…we somehow ended up at some bar with a strange lesbian friend of my exroomate – So it’s two and I call Fernando, my cabbie, to come pick us up…without fail Fernando shows up quick --- He is not only reliable but always a great conversation in the cab ---

So Sunday morning I was woken up by Jason’s phone alarm…but it reminded me to set mine for work…so I look for my phone and its gone…Fuck’n shit I know exactly what happened…I lost a few phones already this way…in the back of the cab…I was already getting my mind set on buying a new phone and trying to deal with losing all my numbers…So I call it just in case… answers “Hello is this Eddie’s friend?” I know exactly who it is “Fernando” I say with a huge sigh and smile…his accent is unmistakable…

So he offers to drop off the phone to me…I tell him I’ll be at Mecca working…he says he’ll drop it off there that night on his shift…now I don’t know Fernando very personally nor do I tip him very extravagantly…but he took care of my phone and went out of his way to bring it to me…he is a genuinely nice and special guy, I am happy to know him…So if you ever need a cab I know one that you’ll be very glad too call…

Love will be the death of me...

It doesn’t surprise me they don’t answer – it doesn’t surprise they don’t call back – it doesn’t surprise me they didn’t make it out to see me – I am just a place holder for an idea – she doesn’t really want me in her life – she likes the idea of having someone in her life just not me - but sometimes I'll due – I am a small role in her play in which she stars if not is the only star and the rest of us are just co-stars and side characters –and I am nothing more than a stand-in, a filer in between scenes of their lives - so I wait patiently for my next cue, my next part….someday maybe my big break will come – And I get to play the romantic lead…I just hope its in a good play.

Thanksgiving memories...

I hate holidays --- I had one fucking fuck of a day --- Worked sucked, the bar was boring, and I broke a string on my guitar --- But just as I was consuming myself in misery my roommates Eric and Maria stumble on home --- The most enjoyable time I have in my life is three in the morning chats with my friends after long days and longer nights ---

Eric and I decide to have one last smoke before ending the night -- so I step out back and stumble my way to lighting my smoke when I hear some loud smacking sounds --- I don't think much of it cuz at this time of night you usually here the BOC throwing out their trash but I look over and I see a plum of smoke rising from the garage across the way --- Right away I know its a fire --- but I'm a little high and very drunk so I look at Eric and tell him to call 911 --- He laughs and asks "should we"? -- So finally he says "OK I'll get my phone but you call" --- so I do --- drunk and high I'm talking to the operator trying to make sense of my thoughts --- with Eric's help we direct the fire dept. to the fire then enjoy the show...

I got some pics...this one looks like the demons are rising...

.
It turns out the garage was the BOC's storage area...

And there it goes again...

I was walking down the sidewalk thinking about how true my post about love for me was --- I was drunk and high when I wrote it --- I was thinking about how it’s really a good thing – now I can manage my life without my heart’s crazy needs for coddling and attention --- now I can be the apathetic passionless Eddie that I have been most of the last ten years --- this makes it so much easier for those in my life --- now instead of wanting too much I am happy with what I get --- that is good --- not caring is good --- because the fact is that in my personal experience falling in love always leads to heartbreak --- it’s the same for those around me…unless you met in or just after high school or someone’s prego your relationship is destined to fail 100% of the time ---

Love is like a fleck of sparkle blowing in the wind going wherever the breeze takes it…and I’m like a branch on a tree catching whatever comes my way until the wind takes Love away from me again…

Am I alone in this too?

I suck at talking during sex…unless you like the very infrequent moan and occasional “yes”…I always wondered about those people who call their girls sluts and whores while fucking…I don’t want to fuck a slut…YES I know I do fuck sluts…but I do a lot of things I don’t want to…like dancing with ugly people or playing shity cover songs…the point is even when that EZ fuck slides between my legs I don’t want to scream it out loud…girls freak me out…why would anyone want to be treated like that and be beraded…they have some sick thing I just don’t get…

FUCK!...I am the nice guy who’s too damn nice to keep the girl…Actually there are a thousand other reasons why I lose her…not throwing my bitch around and being an asshole in bed is just one of them…I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform well in bed…and I think I do ok… like everything else I do I want to be different and very good at what it is…but like everything in this fucking wierd world I feel like I just don’t get it…

Miss Trannyshack 2006

Here are some snapshots from Miss Trannyshack 2006...

Somehow I ended up dead center up against the stage...I was behind a couple people for the first two numbers than they were escorted out because the fella in front of me was passing out on the stage...Heklina had none of that...



Heklina's opening number with...uhh..umm well some pho-tran...Don't ask me for her name cuz I aint got it!....

Juanita More's opening number...hey look...there's our favorite MOREboy Isaac!!

Alexis Arquette..one of the judges I think...

Parker Posey made a very brief appearance...

You should have heard the freak next to me screaming like a banshee in the wild every time Parker was mentioned... I've seen school girls at MTV's party house have more composure... I had to slap the Mo before he exploded...

Jupitor...one of the contestants...YES that is a live snake she is holding...

MONISTAT!!

I enjoyed her number
...this is her at the beginning...




Check out Moni...I think this picture rocks...











The grand finale...Moni gets carried off the stage...


Raya Light....















She won Miss Trannyshack...I can't remember the songs she did but her number was good...it was dramatic..and dark...














Lady Bunny from NYC...this is from her number after the show...she was a guest judge too I think...


Lady Miss Kier...
I must admit I had a crush on her back in the day...She may be pushing it...but she still looks hot on that stage

OK...so thats all I got for photos..I left during intermission...I ended up at BOC drunk as a skunk afterwords...I don't remember any of it...Oh well...

My heart is lost

There are stories about it… countless songs…and poems that make you weep… Love has a hold on my life…my heart fell into a deep coma years ago…it was on its death bed when suddenly my heart comes to…and like a new baby it wants everything…it craves to be held and cuddled and cared for… now I have to force it back to sleep…I have to sit it down and explain to my heart…”look...there is nothing here for you…this world is not made for your kind…you just need to close your eyes…shut off everything ..and go back to sleep”

I’ve given up on love…I thought I was ready for it…I thought I could find it…but now I have to realize Love is for those other people…

What I Didn't learn in the Third Grade...

So it’s a nice fall day and my friends and I are exploring the playground during recess – one of us finds a sheet discarded in the tall grass against the fence – we’ve never seen anything like it before – someone says it’s alien waste – it’s a sheet of paper with thick dark waxy stuff on one side and grayish and blank on the other – we all take turns inspecting it trying to figure out what it is – quickly someone tosses it in fear and we all run off to play somewhere else—

Later I look at my friend George and notice he has some blue stuff on his face – “what is that” I say astonished – we look at Kenny and he has blue on his face too – I reach for my face to feel if anything is on it and they both stare at me with wide eyes “ITS ON YOUR FACE TOO!” they say – I look at my arms and notice it there too and on my friend Ian also and we all start to freak out – “what is it!” – “It’s from that alien paper! We are infected!” someone screams –

We try to think what to do – George says we should go to the Office and tell someone -- I freak out more – For me there are only two reasons to talk to an adult – one cuz your in trouble or two…I don’t know what the other one is but I told George not to go – Recess was about to end and we had to think of something – we could be dying!! – George finally gives in and despite what me and Kenny say he runs off to the Office – Later he comes back all cleaned up and smiling happy – we ask him what happened and if he got in trouble – A man of few words he says nothing and heads off away from us - -

Kenny and I debate a little longer as Ian heads straight to the Office – He quickly returns all fine and explains to us it’s ok the nurse rubs some stuff on you and cleans it right off – Kenny and I are still skeptical something bad is going to happen – Kenny finally decides to go in – But I still wait until the last minute – the recess bell rings and all the kids file into class – I don’t want to go to class all blue but I don’t want to go to the Office so I get reel panicky – and then I see Kenny go to class and he seems fine so finally I sheepishly head to the nurse – She sees me and smiles – she brings out some rubbing alcohol and rubs off the marks – I ask her if its alien stuff on me and she smiles and explains the paper we touched was copy paper and the dark side was ink – she asks if there are anymore kids and I say I am the last and she tells me to not “play with garbage or touch strange things, even if it looks clean, cuz stuff can spread to your body and get you all dirty” ---

Which reminds me it’s time for my biannual screening – even still today I am scared to go talk to a professional – but I have to do it - I cant avoid the Office forever – So I’ll sit there as the nurse takes my blood and explains to me not to "touch strange things, even if it looks clean, cuz they could have things that can spread to your body and get you all dirty, and if you do to be sure to wear something to protect yourself" – Sure I’m not in the third grade anymore but I keep making the same mistakes….

I HAVE AN ANSWER JUST NOT YOURS

11 am I cant sleep – I love how your late 20’s make you feel like your getting so old – like life is coming to an end at 30 --- like life has some magic last call when your 20’s end and the lights come on and someone is screaming “LAST CALL TIME TO GO HOME!!” – time to be an adult and act like your folks did, or as “normal” old folks did anyway –

I have no idea what path of life is acceptable or required or expected – I know that each and everyone of us has a unique way to live out life – as we go along this walk of life we sometimes experience similar things – for me turning thirty has become very liberating – I can now look back at something and say “that’s over now, been there done that time to move on” – but not like you’d expect – my moving on is just being able to make new mistakes with new excuses – I cant use the “well I’m young and have time excuse” as much anymore – instead it’s the “this is SF and 30 is young here” – and so on –

Life is always fun no matter what age your at – like this guy who came in the bar Sunday – he’s a New Yorker who comes to SF 3 or 4 times a year – I met him the first week I started the job --- he’s a unique fella – he’s sorta famous I guess but I don’t really know cuz I don’t fallow entertainment shit enough but he’s a columnist or something I think he said he’s been on those VH1 list things –

-- anyway he’s in his forty’s classic New York Jewish Gay -- he wears plastic rimmed glasses like I used to have – he has a quirky look to him and his smile – anyway – he’s alone at the bar eating so I chat him up and he tells me he’s on the phone having a text chat with his friend in NY - - he says he just told his friend he got his nipple pierced with a sly smile – this guy is very clean cut looking in a way that he has nothing pierced no tattoos very Jewish boy looking – well until earlier that day that is –

He said it took him 5 years of thinking about it to do it – it was a very exciting thing for him – I loved it – he didn’t know how long he’ll keep it or how he feels about it yet – we joked about what kind of jewelry he should get like maybe a fishing hook to catch young studs – I forgot my point…anyway…

Idol hands blah blah blah...

I wish I had more time – fact is I have more time than anyone I know – I just waste it all away --- I wish I knew what I did with my time – reading random blogs and singing songs in my head --- I heard that Prince locks himself in his studio for months when he’s writing music – he secludes himself from the outside world and just works on putting sounds together in a beautiful way --- I wish I could do that –

So I met a very attractive girl at the bar the other night – the first time I met her she was soo drunk she laid her head in my lap to pass out – I thought it was very cute -- I saw her again the next week Sunday night – made a plan to see her at Mecca Thursday when I worked – Tuesday night I get back from Sac completely frustrated with the dumb drivers and slow moving people in that town and I couldn’t get out sooner – so I head straight to the BOC to unwind and relax –

I walk in and there she is with her friends – I quickly walk pass them and try to pretend I didn’t see them – OK this is when I usually get abstract about my feelings and thoughts cuz it’s just to hard to explain any other way –but I’ll try – If I could I’d draw a picture of frustration anxiety and joy all together bathing in vodka and cran –

now I’m sitting there thinking what should I do, should I talk to her, what should I say, what if she sees me I have to talk to her…blah blah blah blah And OHH FUCK I forgot my smokes SHIT – so I set down my drink and run upstairs get my smokes brush my teeth and get prettied up – shit I’m not supposed to be dealing with on my night off relaxing at my bar --- so I head back down and there she is in the patio and I wave hello and smoke --- the whole night I’m trying to avoid her but I still want to talk to her sorta but I just wasn’t in the mood to flirt –

So too many vodka’s later I notice she’s about to leave so I go stand by the coat check to catch her on the way out – nervous anxiety rushes me and I fucking hate it – I grab her as she’s walking out and play the game a bit she remembered Thursday at Mecca and said goodbye – That was the worst fucking night at BOC I ever had ---

She flaked on me Thursday night – probably better that way – She’s a cute girl but that might be all she has going for her --- besides it’s a week later and I already moved on to someone hotter and a lot more fun -- the cards told me the future holds a surprise for me as I look at the world in the palm of my hand with wonder and enchantment there is trouble, fear, and emotions awaiting --- hmmm

I hate telling stories.

I don’t know -- it’s 6m and I cant sleep – my options for “things to do” are slim - I already wandered through myspace land and took a stroll through some random blog and made a stop by some cheesy gossip sites – I could read a book but I suck at reading – it’s an ordeal that I just rather avoid – I get too ADD for reading – I like to use the fact the English is my second language and that’s why I suck at it but whatever – I’m a math person not a reading type – so anyway…what to do… - - - tired of movies, the bars are closed, all my friends are asleep, my housemates are sleeping so I must be quiet, I just ate, and there’s tons of shit in my head I gots ta get out…so where to begin – I’m not much of a writer – I suck at telling stories – I like to write more abstract type shit like fucked up poems that I turn into song lyrics later – I could tell you about the guy at the bar Friday night – it was too stereotypical of a situation to be true but it was – this couple comes in and it was obvious sugar daddy young toy couple – the SD was some silver haired goof who spends too much time at the gym trying to compensate for his old age wearing a shirt two sizes too small – and the toy was way too pretty decked in all designer clothes with his nose in the air obviously too good to be anywhere – luckily I didn’t have to serve them all night but as they get ready to leave the pretty boy complains to Steve the lead bartender that there are pits in the olives – The Boy is crying cuz he wasn’t told there are pits in the olives and he bit down on one – My bar manager comes over and discusses it with him further going on and on that he should have been told and that he has dental work could have been damaged - I’m sorry but I just find it fucking funny how dumb stuck up and bitchy people think they can be – its like the guy that came in the night after – these two dudes are sitting at my bar nicely dressed and drinking – nothing new for Mecca – then two very hot sluty dressed women come in – I perk up cuz it was clear these girls where straight – and I don’t ever get straight hot girls at my bar – so apparently these two dudes where waiting for them and I seat them in front of me at my well – I hand the girls cocktail menus which was a mistake cuz I don’t think they could read anything that doesn’t say couture – they order the same drink cuz I think they shared the same brain, two madori and diet cokes or something stupid like that – I talk one of them into getting an appetizer cuz that’s what I do – she ordered the artichoke – I set it down in front of her and she didn’t touch it once – I don’t get it – so they quickly leave and I settle up the tab – get the dudes card and it’s one with the picture on it – the guy in front of me is nicely dressed and clean shaven and the picture is the dude with a trucker hat looking like white trash I had to laugh at the poser – so his friends are waiting at the door and as he’s sighing the slip – he proceeds to tells me about how some guy hit on him in the bathroom – and he’s upset – he tries to explain that he’s cool about the gays and whatnot but this gay came on too aggressively in the bathroom and wouldn’t let up – I’m like dying inside of laughter cuz this dude is unreal – I play the good bartender and tell him what he wants to hear and relate with the guy –he’s just going on and on about it though – and he goes “look I’m from the Marina, obviously…” I’m thinking yah obviously, so you know you’re an asshole but don’t care – he goes on “I know people think marina people are stuck up or whatever but I’m cool with gays, but this guy hit on me way too aggressively and I told him I was straight” then he hits the donkey right on the ass he says “I mean look at the strippers we’re in here with man, you seen them right they’re hot” then he smiles and looks for me to hi five him or something – I cant remember anything else he said after that cuz the laughter in my brain was too loud – the dude finally sighed his slip and went away – it’s almost 7 am now I guess I’ll post this…

noth'n to do and nowhere to go

I’m trying to find some continuity for my blog – what is that I am posting and how does it all fit together – But really I guess this blog is an extension of what I am like – Life for me is like salmagundi – a bunch of everything all jumbled together – I used to think I had A-ADD cuz I never had the patience to stick to one thing and master it – it’s not ADD – I fancy myself more of a "Jack of all trades, master of none, though ofttimes better than master of one" (pardon the cliché) – This is a personality trait of a enneagram seven the type of person that likes to do shit and not worry about a plan - I’m in Sacramento tonight and Fuck is it quite out – I don’t know if I can fall asleep with out the sounds of the wondering wacko screaming profanities into the night or the occasional scream from a late night crowd on its way home – And as I force myself to end this blog in which I had planned to say so much and yet said nothing at all, I had wanted to figure out my ballot for today's vote but….I guess I’ll figure that out at the poll like everyone else – Since I started dating 12 or so years ago, I've been single and looking for like a total of two years all together – I've been in 5 long term relationships and a couple shorties in those ten years and like three times I went from one right to another right into another – I keep just expecting the next is going to find me any day now – I keep meeting wonderful women – I’ll fall in love than it soon passes and I’ll fall for someone new next week – I really don’t like being single but I guess I am just being very picky in my “old” age - My job is getting intense I went from getting no respect to getting way too much and now they want me to work four long shifts a week – Yah I know most people work five but I am not most people – 7am time to fake sleep - goodnight

Halloween pictures

So I had to work on Halloween - I missed out on the chaos that is the Castro on Halloween - 300,000 people crowded into the neighborhood - A kind of chaos I usually enjoy a lot -luckily I work at the edge of where they blocked off market street and lots of people came in for predrinks and stayed to avoid the madness -

absolutly nothing to do with everything...

There are times in ones life when everything seems so distant - the job you want - the partner you want - the life you want - sometimes it feels like you may never get those things - sometimes it feels like your just two steps to achieving it all - I am scared of October - it has always been a month of transition for me - Fall going into Winter - sure we don't have traditional seasons here in SF - but there R noticeable changes - so this year I have stayed in a lot - living a hermits life afraid to live - what would happen to me if I fell into someone's arms tonight - what if I got what I want - the idea is fucking frightening - I am a straight guy who regulars gay bars - why? - because nothing can happen there - sure a few times I stumbled into the straight girl - but she's never there looking for love - it's still safe - I guess I am a slacker - waiting for something to happen - that life changing moment that you end up forgetting about years later when you look back and say - I did it - If that moment exists - I am afraid of it - but I also dream about it - One week left in October - one year it happened on Halloween the last fucking day - this year maybe nothing will happen - I write blogs because I have to communicate - I know only a couple peeps read it but I don't care if no one did - blogging is like masturbation - it's nice to get the release but you just feel empty afterwards -

What was I talking about again....?

So I get home from Oktoberfest kinda drunk and tired and before I know it - Jason and English James are calling me out to do a shot of Jaeger before we head out for the night – So like a champ I pull up my britches take my shot and stumble down to BOC - The night itself was kinda boring but the conversations and events within the night were very entertaining to me - between bars we stopped back to visit the roof and have shots -yup more Jaeger – then drama – long boring story later I’m bored as hell at Badlands and English James is no longer part of the party – Before I know it, its just me and my cousin so we go to the Cafe for last call but I don’t remember much of it - In fact it wasn’t ‘till a couple days later Jason tells me I was at BOC for last call and some how, as par for the course, we invited to the house some guests - Jason has some nice pics of this on his blog - I am leaning against the wall in a Pic because at that point I could no longer stand up on my own - I finished off the night drinking very old bad wine - well actually spilling it everywhere as I rambled on about god knows what -

after about 3 hours of sleep I wake up Sunday still drunk and late for work -

Fucking champagne Sunday was hell -splitting headache upset stomach and my coworkers keep offering me shots - then it was a couple of the staffs last night and they all went out to celebrate - Several shots later my phone rings and its a number I should have not picked up - but 36 hours of drink'n can impair your judgment - luckily the conversation was ok –

Hey its Saturday again….

So I went to meet Dave and Kev at Oktoberfest Saturday

Walking down to where the festival was three young guys stopped me – one asked if I was going to the fest and if I would like to buy a ticket - They told me they work security and have extra tickets…It all seemed very spontaneous to me as if they didn’t plan at all to do this but one of them saw me and decided to take the opportunity – so I bought one at discount - they then told me not to wait in line just go straight to the door – they were adamant about that - as I walked down to the door I saw a line 200 people deep - I was like OK I am going to just walk past all these people and go right in huh - so I casually walk towards the front door and sloooowly finish my smoke - than "act like you own the place" I walk pass some people to the front door, present my ticket, get my wristband, and I am in -- YEAH for no waiting line - that would have sucked -

So I meet up with Dave and Kev who are already completely faded - neither one were making any sense just mumbling random words and bumping into people - it was like hanging out with two retards - seriously - so I took the initiative for their sake and finished their beers - 60 ounces later and we were three drunken retards - Their isn't much to say about Oktoberfest it kinda sucked - lots of drunks and lederhosen - Some guy puked right where we were sitting - than I almost get into a fight - some asshole shoved me a couple times - apparently I was too sexy for him - he couldn’t handle my suaveness dancing on the bench beside him - anyway - eventually I was getting tired of Jaeger shots and German lager so I had to go - besides my friends were out of control and the lighting in there wasn't doing anything for me -

"Endurance is more important than truth." - C.B.

OK So absolutely nothing happened Saturday - except for a little excessive excess - and a chat with an ex - Sorry it's late and I cant sleep so the tragedy of my mild case of logorrhea is spilling onto this post -

I had no idea what I was in for when I woke up Saturday morning - A friend called me early around 8AM - I had just fallen asleep a few hours earlier - I eventually got out of bed to hear a message that a couple of friends are in town and they are having some beers at Oktoberfest in Fort Mason - I haven't seen either one in a long time - I was happy to see old friends but apprehensive because these friends are professional drinkers - They have that special talent of Endurance -

So I headed out to meet them - the trains were not running this morning - unfortunately someone tragically decided this life wasn't worth it and stepped in front of a K train at church station - So I walked a bit more than I wanted to and on my walk I bumped into my cousin Juan on the sidewalk - Such a small town I live in - we chat and decide to meet up later that night - I then take a cab to Van Ness and hop onto the 49 to Fort Mason -

Fort Mason is the last stop for the 49 and as the other Passengers and I are getting off the driver says "Bye cupcake" to a man in front of me - the man takes a couple steps away from the buss then realizes what was said turns around and starts yelling back at the driver challenging him to step outside - The driver stopped the buss and stood up as if to take the passengers challenge to fight - but he than sat down closed the door and drove away - the passenger stormed away swearing into the air - It was then I turned around and realized the cool view of Alcatraz so I got a picture –

It was about 3pm when I arrived at Fort Mason a bit tired from Friday night’s excursions but I had no idea it wouldn’t be ‘till around 3am Monday that I would finally get some rest…

Have we met?

Ahhh Monday night again and time to reflect on the past weekends chaos - - Its nice to go through the pics on Monday and remember the good times you forgot happened -

Like these three strangers I met on the walk home Friday night - It was about half past 2AM and these three were in a deep philosophical conversation about the San Francisco gay and whether or not they have the right to be so elitist or is the elitism itself hypocritical – I don’t know really I was just a drunk wandering by amazed this guy was so fucking comfortable laying on the sidewalk -

Ohhh and one of them had these amazing chocolates that tasted sooo good - they were...butterscotch or something...imported form France I think.... Yummy though whatever they were -

I don’t know what to do with myself

Life is a fucking rollercoaster – the things you think are ruining your life can turn out to be the very same things that make it all work – I don’t believe all things will work out in the end – there is no fairy godmother to come along and turn your rags into riches and your evil boss into a toad – I don’t believe that all you have to do is be a good person than good things will happen for you – Karma can only take you so far – fate is only one step in the whole scheme of things –

I was walking home late one night at about 5am after the EndUp – I met my future wife there – she was gorgeous, amazing to talk to, a fantastic dancer, a sensual sweet kisser, almost perfect – I say almost because apparently at 5am she decided to remember she has a boyfriend and it was time for her to leave – so after a pathetic rebound dance with a girl from Kentucky who just didn’t measure up – I left alone walking home – I got down on myself on the walk home – wondering what I have to do to make things work out – If I was a better person, maybe if I gave more to the world, when is karma gonna come back around to me – Is this as good as it gets? –

I’ve been struggling for some time with this idea – Is there Love out there waiting for me? Are my life goals practical? - One night I was at the Mint outside and this street guy came walking by and noticed I was in and emotional down fall – he sat and talked to me for about an hour trying to cheer me up – He said he was an angel sent down to help people like me – so I asked him “how does someone let go of the pain from being alone and feeling unloved” – He gave me every cliché in the book “…lemons, make lemonade”, “…light at the end of the tunnel”, “…love yourself first”, “Your time will come”, and my fave “there is a reason for everything” type shit - and I shot them all down cuz when you get down to it there are no words that can make the lonely realize loneliness is ok -

Scenes from TrannyShack Tuesday

Monistat hosting the TrannyShack last Tuesday...

Outside Before the show...

Heklina's opening number....

Monistats opening number....very lovely...

Opening show banter

Dress Change...MMMM my favorite!!

A couple of the more or less memorable acts....

Final dress change....Red Hot!!

Thank You Monistat for the Great Show!!